Where are Your Daffodils?

Donna, my long-time friend, was my close neighbor. Our kids grew up together. Our friendship has lasted through thick and thin and my many moves. We know and trust each other so when I visit her and "do my thing" with her "things" she smiles and sometimes giggles because I get involved puttering here and there, moving her decor a quarter-inch here, or six inches there, and put this item there or vice-versa. She smiles at my frowns, knowing when I finally do smile she will be delighted with the result of my efforts. "I don't know what you do, I watch, it isn't obvious, but the end product is pure artistry."

After one of these sessions she asked, "What do I need to do next?" I told her the next item on her agenda was to take care of the mess on her dresser so that her heart would sing. Donna replied, "And I need to get rid of the daffodil arrangement." I wondered why because Donna's daffodil arrangement was beautiful but for some reason she didn't like it. If she focused on the daffodils and stalled out wondering what to do with them she could sluff off doing the dresser. It's a perfect copout. She can concentrate on other things, substitute busy-ness for heartsong and she gets to keep her anger, which enables her to be disabled!

Avoidance, copout, busy-ness, addiction, call it what you like, I call it "daffodils," which allow escape from rejection, provide validation of worth and allow a person not to face what they are hiding from, which is anger engendered by the loss (theft) of self-esteem.

When the pattern of avoidance begins, I look for violation of personal "space" or for loss (theft) of self-validation. Because someone I have trusted has robbed me of the joy of being me. Powerful manipulative tools are used to bring about theft of identity, usually accomplished by rejection (invalidation) or the refusal to acknowledge individual existence. Everyone needs to exist to their loved ones and if this basic need is denied in any way we'll go to almost any length to gain acceptance (validation)--seeking employment (even the minimum wage offers monetary validation of worth), extra-marital affairs ("I am TOO desirable!"), President of the PTA ("I can TOO manage well"), politics ("I can TOO run a committee, a precinct, a city, a county.")

Where are your daffodils? Once you identify them maybe you can deal with them, one at a time by recognizing why you have invited them into your life in the first place, then testing each busy-ness by the formula: "Does it really make my heart sing? Or am I doing this to be a people pleaser?

I accomplished a major breakthrough when I discovered I didn't have to be a people pleaser to be happy. In fact, I discovered the opposite was true. The more I chose my behavior (and the things I allowed myself to get involved with) the happier I became. I had more time for me but the most significant fact soon became apparent...I lost the anger I felt when I allowed others to demand my time and services at the sacrifice of my own needs.