Donna, my long-time friend, was my close neighbor. Our kids grew up together. Our friendship has lasted through thick and thin and my many moves. We know and trust each other so when I visit her and "do my thing" with her "things" she smiles and sometimes giggles because I get involved puttering here and there, moving her decor a quarter-inch here, or six inches there, and put this item there or vice-versa. She smiles at my frowns, knowing when I finally do smile she will be delighted with the result of my efforts. "I don't know what you do, I watch, it isn't obvious, but the end product is pure artistry."
After one of these sessions she asked, "What do I need to do next?" I told her the next item on her agenda was to take care of the mess on her dresser so that her heart would sing. Donna replied, "And I need to get rid of the daffodil arrangement." I wondered why because Donna's daffodil arrangement was beautiful but for some reason she didn't like it. If she focused on the daffodils and stalled out wondering what to do with them she could sluff off doing the dresser. It's a perfect copout. She can concentrate on other things, substitute busy-ness for heartsong and she gets to keep her anger, which enables her to be disabled!
Avoidance, copout, busy-ness, addiction, call it what you like, I call it "daffodils," which allow escape from rejection, provide validation of worth and allow a person not to face what they are hiding from, which is anger engendered by the loss (theft) of self-esteem.
When the pattern of avoidance begins, I look for violation of personal "space" or for loss (theft) of self-validation. Because someone I have trusted has robbed me of the joy of being me. Powerful manipulative tools are used to bring about theft of identity, usually accomplished by rejection (invalidation) or the refusal to acknowledge individual existence. Everyone needs to exist to their loved ones and if this basic need is denied in any way we'll go to almost any length to gain acceptance (validation)--seeking employment (even the minimum wage offers monetary validation of worth), extra-marital affairs ("I am TOO desirable!"), President of the PTA ("I can TOO manage well"), politics ("I can TOO run a committee, a precinct, a city, a county.")
Where are your daffodils? Once you identify them maybe you can deal with them, one at a time by recognizing why you have invited them into your life in the first place, then testing each busy-ness by the formula: "Does it really make my heart sing? Or am I doing this to be a people pleaser?
I accomplished a major breakthrough when I discovered I didn't have to be a people pleaser to be happy. In fact, I discovered the opposite was true. The more I chose my behavior (and the things I allowed myself to get involved with) the happier I became. I had more time for me but the most significant fact soon became apparent...I lost the anger I felt when I allowed others to demand my time and services at the sacrifice of my own needs.
Showing posts with label Chapter 3--Motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chapter 3--Motivation. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Genderless Lament
Edward, age 71, a retired engineer, came to one of my classes and voiced the "Housewife's Lament," teaching me that the Lament has no gender, but can be sung by both sexes.
I asked "What's the problem?" Edward answered, "I have so much stuff I don't have room for any more. I don't even have room for me!"
I had Edward draw a floor plan of his dwelling and fill it in with major items like furniture. He had a two-car detached garage, filled to the brim. He could neither open the side door nor get into it. He had two large sheds which were in the same condition as the garage. I had Edward "walk" me through his house to eat and sleep and relax. He could "just" get in the door. He could get to the kitchen but that didn't do him much good because the countertops were filled with various items along with the dirty dishes he "hated" to wash. There was "no reward" in repetitive drudgery. So he mostly ate out. He didn't have a table in the kitchen but he did have a bar which couldn't be used because there wasn't "a square inch" of space available on it. The rest of the house was more of the same. He could carefully walk to the bed. He could carefully get to the bathroom. He figured the square footage total of all his buildings. The house, garage, and two sheds totaled 1350 square feet. He figured the area he could walk around in and utilize for himself at 2 feet by eight feet or 16 square feet! Adding for his bed space it was still less than 50 square feet.
He could see for himself he had a problem which is why he came to class. Edward, like all first timers to class, was hoping for a miracle. Most miracles, like most millionaires, are self-made.
Edward's complaint was that he didn't have a place for a guest to sit because the chairs were full of boxes of "things" and he had no more floor space on which to set the boxes when someone "dropped in."
His "problem" was so overwhelming it sapped his strength--physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. He couldn't even use the old dodge, "The hurrier I go the behinder I get" because he couldn't even get up stamina to start anything--let alone finish it.
Where do we begin in helping Edward? Correct! The beginning! And where is the beginning? The kitchen? The dirty dishes? The boxes on the chairs? Those were Edward's most urgent problems, right? Wrong!
Whose responsibility is it that Edward's guests don't have a place to sit? Let's blame it on Edward's parents. They didn't:
A) love him enough/loved him too much
B) teach him to be a good housekeeper
C) provide a maid for him in his old age
D) all of the above
E) none of the above
If you selected E) go to the head of the class. Edward's parents are in no way responsible for the fact that his guests have no place to sit. You can see where this idea is going. Let's get to the bottom line. Edward's guests have no place to sit because that is the way EDWARD chooses it to be. If he doesn't like the way things are HE can change them! YOU can't change them for him, neither can I. We can nag, harp, push, even take it upon ourselves to take the boxes, offer to "store them at our house" but none of these is a solution to Edward's problem.
Why does Edward not choose to have a place for his guests to sit? I listened for awhile to his elaborate excuse system for why he couldn't clear a place for his guests to sit. The answer hit me immediately. Edward doesn't want people to visit him. He is angry at "people." They rejected him--first in divorce (maybe before that) then they retired him. To relieve himself of the guilt he has generated by this anger he "does things" for people (busy-ness) so that he "never has time" to do anything for himself, which is his excuse not to have a place for his guests to sit which is "getting back at people" for rejecting him by rejecting them. Complicated? Not really. Edward's problem boils down to his priorities are out of line. Maybe your problem isn't as extreme as Edward's but it is a problem to you.
Who am I? Who is Edward? Who are you? Let's get our priorities straight. We're #1!
I asked "What's the problem?" Edward answered, "I have so much stuff I don't have room for any more. I don't even have room for me!"
I had Edward draw a floor plan of his dwelling and fill it in with major items like furniture. He had a two-car detached garage, filled to the brim. He could neither open the side door nor get into it. He had two large sheds which were in the same condition as the garage. I had Edward "walk" me through his house to eat and sleep and relax. He could "just" get in the door. He could get to the kitchen but that didn't do him much good because the countertops were filled with various items along with the dirty dishes he "hated" to wash. There was "no reward" in repetitive drudgery. So he mostly ate out. He didn't have a table in the kitchen but he did have a bar which couldn't be used because there wasn't "a square inch" of space available on it. The rest of the house was more of the same. He could carefully walk to the bed. He could carefully get to the bathroom. He figured the square footage total of all his buildings. The house, garage, and two sheds totaled 1350 square feet. He figured the area he could walk around in and utilize for himself at 2 feet by eight feet or 16 square feet! Adding for his bed space it was still less than 50 square feet.
He could see for himself he had a problem which is why he came to class. Edward, like all first timers to class, was hoping for a miracle. Most miracles, like most millionaires, are self-made.
Edward's complaint was that he didn't have a place for a guest to sit because the chairs were full of boxes of "things" and he had no more floor space on which to set the boxes when someone "dropped in."
His "problem" was so overwhelming it sapped his strength--physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. He couldn't even use the old dodge, "The hurrier I go the behinder I get" because he couldn't even get up stamina to start anything--let alone finish it.
Where do we begin in helping Edward? Correct! The beginning! And where is the beginning? The kitchen? The dirty dishes? The boxes on the chairs? Those were Edward's most urgent problems, right? Wrong!
Whose responsibility is it that Edward's guests don't have a place to sit? Let's blame it on Edward's parents. They didn't:
A) love him enough/loved him too much
B) teach him to be a good housekeeper
C) provide a maid for him in his old age
D) all of the above
E) none of the above
If you selected E) go to the head of the class. Edward's parents are in no way responsible for the fact that his guests have no place to sit. You can see where this idea is going. Let's get to the bottom line. Edward's guests have no place to sit because that is the way EDWARD chooses it to be. If he doesn't like the way things are HE can change them! YOU can't change them for him, neither can I. We can nag, harp, push, even take it upon ourselves to take the boxes, offer to "store them at our house" but none of these is a solution to Edward's problem.
Why does Edward not choose to have a place for his guests to sit? I listened for awhile to his elaborate excuse system for why he couldn't clear a place for his guests to sit. The answer hit me immediately. Edward doesn't want people to visit him. He is angry at "people." They rejected him--first in divorce (maybe before that) then they retired him. To relieve himself of the guilt he has generated by this anger he "does things" for people (busy-ness) so that he "never has time" to do anything for himself, which is his excuse not to have a place for his guests to sit which is "getting back at people" for rejecting him by rejecting them. Complicated? Not really. Edward's problem boils down to his priorities are out of line. Maybe your problem isn't as extreme as Edward's but it is a problem to you.
Who am I? Who is Edward? Who are you? Let's get our priorities straight. We're #1!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Are You Busy or Are You Hiding?
It was Easter vacation. The youngest (and only one still living at home) was out of high school for the week. His mother, who had finally discovered she had a life of her own, visited me. She looked terrible. She hadn't combed her hair. She had on an old T-shirt, no make-up and her mouth drooped. She had a multitude of excuses for why she hadn't brought her current project to work on. When asked what was wrong, she snapped and admitted she had a headache. (Headaches aren't allowed.) Why? Did you follow your eating regimen? Get adequate rest? We checked out every possible reason until it finally dawned on her. Her 15-year-old was home from school for the week. That was it! She was avoiding him and his violation of "her" space. She'd gone to lunch with a friend, gone shopping, gone visiting, had just plain gone to avoid dealing with him on a continual basis. She was inventing busy-ness to avoid life!
Another example of busy-ness is Marie, who fills every second of her time with a full-time career, graduate school classes, a husband who also takes classes, two pre-teenagers, two dogs, a bird, and several cats. She has no time to keep her house clean. This also gives her the perfect excuse not to have friends. Marie was an unhappy child of older parents and left this environment to enter an abusive first marriage. She is physically beautiful but beauty is not the feature about her that you notice first. It is immediately apparent that she does not feel beautiful. In fact you have to look twice to realize that she is. Marie has substituted busy-ness for living and uses it as a wall to hide behind so she doesn't have to deal with people who can't be trusted not to hurt her.
Busy-ness is an addiction in the same class with being "sick," which is nature's legitimate copout. I can't do whatever (this includes housework) because I am too busy/sick.
Living in a "mess" is disruptive to the inner person so escape is sought. Acquisition of things, treadmill lifestyle, and supermom syndrome, are some examples of busy-ness which may be used to avoid reality (truth), the purpose of life. I don't have to face reality when I am "working," taking the kids to ballet lessons, football practice, watching TV, reading fiction (or non-fiction). I'm too busy. More and more craziness is crammed into less and less time until life becomes caught up in an endless, mindless, whirlwind with no aim, leaving in its wake exhaustion and a "stop the world so I can get off" feeling. Are you really choosing to be "busy" or are you re-acting to past rejection?
Another example of busy-ness is Marie, who fills every second of her time with a full-time career, graduate school classes, a husband who also takes classes, two pre-teenagers, two dogs, a bird, and several cats. She has no time to keep her house clean. This also gives her the perfect excuse not to have friends. Marie was an unhappy child of older parents and left this environment to enter an abusive first marriage. She is physically beautiful but beauty is not the feature about her that you notice first. It is immediately apparent that she does not feel beautiful. In fact you have to look twice to realize that she is. Marie has substituted busy-ness for living and uses it as a wall to hide behind so she doesn't have to deal with people who can't be trusted not to hurt her.
Busy-ness is an addiction in the same class with being "sick," which is nature's legitimate copout. I can't do whatever (this includes housework) because I am too busy/sick.
Living in a "mess" is disruptive to the inner person so escape is sought. Acquisition of things, treadmill lifestyle, and supermom syndrome, are some examples of busy-ness which may be used to avoid reality (truth), the purpose of life. I don't have to face reality when I am "working," taking the kids to ballet lessons, football practice, watching TV, reading fiction (or non-fiction). I'm too busy. More and more craziness is crammed into less and less time until life becomes caught up in an endless, mindless, whirlwind with no aim, leaving in its wake exhaustion and a "stop the world so I can get off" feeling. Are you really choosing to be "busy" or are you re-acting to past rejection?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A Soft Voice Turneth Away Wrath
The young mother of a two-year-old periodically screeched and shouted at him to come back home. Hearing her reminded me that in the body of a two-year-old resides a full sized, mature adult spirit who hasn't learned to operate, and hasn't grown into, the physical body with all its intricate mechanisms. I imagined myself in the operator's seat of a giant scoop shovel crane. At first try I knew I wouldn't be able to operate the crane up and down or back and forth nor would I be able to scoop up dirt and fill a dump truck with it. This is about as close as I could come to the helplessness of a human infant learning to operate the physical body. Lack of intelligence wouldn't be the problem, merely inability to operate the mechanics. I changed my attitude about children when I recognized their equality with me in all areas except size and ability to operate the mechanics of both mind and body.
People who frequently use screeching and shouting are out of control. Allowing that some handle life situations this way, what changes are needed so that a soft voice could be used?
In trying to identify the need and the behavior pattern used to fill the need, I concluded:
(1) The mother's goal was too high. It is unreasonable to expect an unsupervised two-year-old to remain "in his own yard." Two-year-olds have declared independence and are off to explore.
(2) The mother's method was unsuitable, thus ineffective. Screeching and shouting may be necessary at certain specific times i.e., in case of fire or to stop the child from running in front of a truck, but for a regular daily discipline it loses its effectiveness.
What steps would help to overcome this problem?
(1) Plenty of rest
A mother who has any children under the age of 5 should be aware that she needs to get enough sleep. As I recall my own experience, this was virtually impossible. If you also find this to be true, there are methods to reduce stress to enable you to function with only occasional lapses from your goal.
(a) Take a feet-up "Smiley Break" mid day.
(b) Reduce "extra curricular" activities.
(c) Get down to Rock Bottom Basics.
(1) Decide what items have top priority, i.e., meals, dishes, laundry, trash, clutter, beds. Let everything else go.
(2) Make a yearly Deep Cleaning List to relieve the burden of worry about a "clean house."
(3) K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Sweetie) the children's room and toys. No more than 6 toys out to play with. Store the rest in a plastic trash bag and put it in the garage or attic. Every month or two months, change the toys. An exception to this rule is the child's favorite toy.
Realize your career is that of motherhood, the noblest of all careers, instituted by God from the beginning. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of taking "other" jobs, i.e., baby-sitting, errand running for other people, community service, any project that is not on the Rock Bottom Basic list. Young mothers get sucked into the belief that unless they have additional tasks to that of motherhood they are shirking their duty. This is a false premise.
(2) Nutrition
Second only to proper rest is sound nutrition. From personal experience and direct observation, I find two items common to the American diet prominent in causing screeching and shouting. They are sugar and chocolate. I have observed persons who have "purified" their bodies and then taken chocolate. Their reaction, within just a few hours, is temporary insanity. They lose control, screech and shout, shake, and have described the condition as a "bad trip." Observing the behavior of a two-year-old half an hour after he has been given a sugar source is enough to demonstrate a similar reaction.
To overcome even these two causes to the screeching and shouting ("S&S") problem isn't as easy as it sounds, as both sugar and chocolate are addictive. To stop using chocolate and sugar may cause withdrawal symptoms.
(3) Creative Outlet
To have a serene personality one should have a fulfilling creative outlet. This is a personal thing. Stitchery, needlepoint, painting, knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, photography and music, are some examples of filling your artistic, creative need. The caution is to remember the reason for doing is for self fulfillment--not to bring a fundraiser to the school bazaar. Don't allow yourself to be caught by a manipulative martyr and accept a guilt trip. Your #1 responsibility is yourself and you do not need to defend or explain your reasons for not contributing items, time or extra service to the club or community no matter how worthy the goal. If you allow demands on your time, you deplete your own supply. Zealously guard against invasion by parasites who would suck out your life energy without a thought and leave you "dead." Watch carefully that you do not allow others to expect you to do things for them that they can (and should) do for themselves. Hubby says call the auto supply and see if they have a part...then go get it. Wrong! Hubby and everyone else should make their own phone calls. You shouldn't make anyone else's calls, secretaries excepted, and no one should make yours. Yes, there may be exceptions but they are rare.
Getting back to the original problem and what can be done to speak in a soft voice.
(1) Resolve to speak in a soft voice whatever the provocation...even to call the dog! Exception:
(a) in case of fire
(b) to stop a child from running out in front of a truck or any other equally harmful emergency.
(2) Recognize your own limitations and those of your two-year-old or anyone else at whom you screech and shout.
(3) Eliminate frustrations from your life by items 1-3. K.I.S.S. your life.
(4) Examine your motives. What do you hope to gain by persisting in this course of action? Submission to your will? Is this a violation of the agency of the person at whom you are screeching and shouting? By screeching and shouting, do you intend to control them? Are you expressing power (control) by screeching and shouting? Why do you need to? Are you insecure in your position? If your answer is yes, then work on becoming secure in your position by identifying:
(1) What your position is
(2) What you need to do to maintain your position
(3) What you need to do to prevent others from eroding or taking away your status (security).
A raised voice is a trap or counterfeit. Shouting is a symptom of a person not knowing who he is or isn't. A person who shouts, assumes he has a right or obligation to decide what is best for another, and doesn't allow for the other person's agency. While shouting may intimidate, it doesn't lead to serenity.
People who frequently use screeching and shouting are out of control. Allowing that some handle life situations this way, what changes are needed so that a soft voice could be used?
In trying to identify the need and the behavior pattern used to fill the need, I concluded:
(1) The mother's goal was too high. It is unreasonable to expect an unsupervised two-year-old to remain "in his own yard." Two-year-olds have declared independence and are off to explore.
(2) The mother's method was unsuitable, thus ineffective. Screeching and shouting may be necessary at certain specific times i.e., in case of fire or to stop the child from running in front of a truck, but for a regular daily discipline it loses its effectiveness.
What steps would help to overcome this problem?
(1) Plenty of rest
A mother who has any children under the age of 5 should be aware that she needs to get enough sleep. As I recall my own experience, this was virtually impossible. If you also find this to be true, there are methods to reduce stress to enable you to function with only occasional lapses from your goal.
(a) Take a feet-up "Smiley Break" mid day.
(b) Reduce "extra curricular" activities.
(c) Get down to Rock Bottom Basics.
(1) Decide what items have top priority, i.e., meals, dishes, laundry, trash, clutter, beds. Let everything else go.
(2) Make a yearly Deep Cleaning List to relieve the burden of worry about a "clean house."
(3) K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Sweetie) the children's room and toys. No more than 6 toys out to play with. Store the rest in a plastic trash bag and put it in the garage or attic. Every month or two months, change the toys. An exception to this rule is the child's favorite toy.
Realize your career is that of motherhood, the noblest of all careers, instituted by God from the beginning. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of taking "other" jobs, i.e., baby-sitting, errand running for other people, community service, any project that is not on the Rock Bottom Basic list. Young mothers get sucked into the belief that unless they have additional tasks to that of motherhood they are shirking their duty. This is a false premise.
(2) Nutrition
Second only to proper rest is sound nutrition. From personal experience and direct observation, I find two items common to the American diet prominent in causing screeching and shouting. They are sugar and chocolate. I have observed persons who have "purified" their bodies and then taken chocolate. Their reaction, within just a few hours, is temporary insanity. They lose control, screech and shout, shake, and have described the condition as a "bad trip." Observing the behavior of a two-year-old half an hour after he has been given a sugar source is enough to demonstrate a similar reaction.
To overcome even these two causes to the screeching and shouting ("S&S") problem isn't as easy as it sounds, as both sugar and chocolate are addictive. To stop using chocolate and sugar may cause withdrawal symptoms.
(3) Creative Outlet
To have a serene personality one should have a fulfilling creative outlet. This is a personal thing. Stitchery, needlepoint, painting, knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, photography and music, are some examples of filling your artistic, creative need. The caution is to remember the reason for doing is for self fulfillment--not to bring a fundraiser to the school bazaar. Don't allow yourself to be caught by a manipulative martyr and accept a guilt trip. Your #1 responsibility is yourself and you do not need to defend or explain your reasons for not contributing items, time or extra service to the club or community no matter how worthy the goal. If you allow demands on your time, you deplete your own supply. Zealously guard against invasion by parasites who would suck out your life energy without a thought and leave you "dead." Watch carefully that you do not allow others to expect you to do things for them that they can (and should) do for themselves. Hubby says call the auto supply and see if they have a part...then go get it. Wrong! Hubby and everyone else should make their own phone calls. You shouldn't make anyone else's calls, secretaries excepted, and no one should make yours. Yes, there may be exceptions but they are rare.
Getting back to the original problem and what can be done to speak in a soft voice.
(1) Resolve to speak in a soft voice whatever the provocation...even to call the dog! Exception:
(a) in case of fire
(b) to stop a child from running out in front of a truck or any other equally harmful emergency.
(2) Recognize your own limitations and those of your two-year-old or anyone else at whom you screech and shout.
(3) Eliminate frustrations from your life by items 1-3. K.I.S.S. your life.
(4) Examine your motives. What do you hope to gain by persisting in this course of action? Submission to your will? Is this a violation of the agency of the person at whom you are screeching and shouting? By screeching and shouting, do you intend to control them? Are you expressing power (control) by screeching and shouting? Why do you need to? Are you insecure in your position? If your answer is yes, then work on becoming secure in your position by identifying:
(1) What your position is
(2) What you need to do to maintain your position
(3) What you need to do to prevent others from eroding or taking away your status (security).
A raised voice is a trap or counterfeit. Shouting is a symptom of a person not knowing who he is or isn't. A person who shouts, assumes he has a right or obligation to decide what is best for another, and doesn't allow for the other person's agency. While shouting may intimidate, it doesn't lead to serenity.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Anger and Health
Chemical changes in the body brought about by being angry have a negative influence on body functioning and also on a developing fetus. The Japanese way of keeping the pregnant female serene, calm, looking at peaceful scenery and works of art in pleasant surroundings coupled with soft-spoken talking to the developing fetus by both parents warrants serious consideration but in today's society how is that possible?
Having determined anger isn't good for my health, what can I do to overcome its effects? Let the anger go. That sounds oversimplistic but it really works! Harboring anger is a choice and you don't have to choose it. Think about it. Other steps to take to get rid of the effects of anger are the major thrust of this book:
1) K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple, sweetie--see later chapter for definition)
2) UNCLUTTER
3) DECORATE FOR SERENITY
Contention, even in the so-called cause of righteousness, is self-destructive.
"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty" Proverbs 16:32. Jesus said love every one. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love...You are part of everyone and it is important that you love yourself and show compassion for yourself and treat yourself kindly, too.
To better tolerate the setbacks of life: Don't take life so seriously. Smile more and try to restructure your life to reduce anxiety by applying the two most important rules of life to the situation:
RULE # 1--don't sweat the small stuff
RULE # 2--it's all small stuff
If you raise your voice, get red in the face, hot under the collar, in other words get angry, rebellious, or negative in spirit, those are signs that you need to take stock and re-evaluate.
Having determined anger isn't good for my health, what can I do to overcome its effects? Let the anger go. That sounds oversimplistic but it really works! Harboring anger is a choice and you don't have to choose it. Think about it. Other steps to take to get rid of the effects of anger are the major thrust of this book:
1) K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple, sweetie--see later chapter for definition)
2) UNCLUTTER
3) DECORATE FOR SERENITY
Contention, even in the so-called cause of righteousness, is self-destructive.
"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty" Proverbs 16:32. Jesus said love every one. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love...You are part of everyone and it is important that you love yourself and show compassion for yourself and treat yourself kindly, too.
To better tolerate the setbacks of life: Don't take life so seriously. Smile more and try to restructure your life to reduce anxiety by applying the two most important rules of life to the situation:
RULE # 1--don't sweat the small stuff
RULE # 2--it's all small stuff
If you raise your voice, get red in the face, hot under the collar, in other words get angry, rebellious, or negative in spirit, those are signs that you need to take stock and re-evaluate.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Displaced Anger
At age 6 weeks Andrew fell off the changing table and fractured his skull. Vickie's husband and her mother (needing a scapegoat for their own feelings) blamed her for "negligence." Her anxiety, coupled with her non-culpability, resulted in anger which from then on she directed at her son Andrew because he was the cause of her rejection by the two who should have loved her most. Dennis, her oldest son, and her mother's favorite who could do no wrong, got her love and acceptance. When Vickie was directed to realize why she was angry at Andrew, she was able to let the anger go and replace it with compassion and her relationship to Andrew improved.
I remember, as a teenager, being allowed to hold a newborn while the young parents ate their dinner. Every night they would have the same argument over which way to cut the butter--off the end or off the top, creating a dip in the middle. The argument seldom varied, was usually heated, and at the time I thought it was ridiculous. Who cared where the butter was cut? Now, looking back I realize the young parents needed to vent their frustrations with life and each other and the butter was a safe battleground.
Sometimes people use war to relieve physical distress caused by their anger, hostility, or guilt so they pick a fight with the ones they are safest with. Understanding the pattern can help break the cycle. Try for a state of non-war (What if they gave a WAR and nobody came?) by recognizing and internalizing that it's okay to accept yourself just as you are with all your good points and your weaknesses. You can accept others, also, just as they are with all their good points and all their weaknesses. That doesn't mean you can't disagree with others and you don't have to try to change their opinions but you do need to convey the message "I do hear you (and your point of view)." I concede that you have the right to say what you feel. I don't have to defend against what you say, or feel, because if I do I'm accepting responsibility for your feelings and I'm not responsible for your feelings, you are. If I defend, I'm admitting you've made me feel guilty and I'm out of control so I try to put you out of commission by counterattacking and we are at war.
Implied inadequacy is a major attack and a useful manipulating tool almost guaranteeing a desire to please or measure up. Other types of attacks are shown in the following pattern:
ATTACK: Why did you break my bowl?
DEFEND: I didn't mean to, I was in a hurry and I...
COUNTERATTACK: You shouldn't have put it there. It was just a piece of junk anyway!
ACKNOWLEDGE: (Does not ignore, which is a form of attack) I can understand how you feel, I'm sorry I broke your bowl.
MARTYR: (Puts guilt on others) It was my favorite bowl, Aunt Gertrude gave it to me...
GUILT: (Inspires anger, hostility and counterattack) I can't help it if I broke your bowl. Gee, what am I supposed to do? Glue it back together?
The situations change but the patterns fit everywhere. Try to spot the patterns first with others outside your personal situation. I did. Gradually I'm becoming an expert at recognizing patterns whenever I deal with people and it helps me to be at peace with myself.
Can I bring about a desired result, even a seemingly good desire, using manipulative techniques and justify the means? No, because choice is removed. I need to remember to properly govern myself even when I can't change the conduct of others. I choose my behavior. I can maintain proper relationships and avoid the frustrations of strife if I wisely apply my time and energy.
Some people may want to be angry because they think it gives them power, they use that power to intimidate and they don't want to be fixed because they're afraid it might take away that power.
Some people may remain angry all their lives, never figuring out that while most of us have cause for anger, whether we harbor it or not is a choice we make for ourselves. Maybe those same people believe blame for all their ills can be directed to or at another. While it's true that anger is a reactive emotion, I don't have to choose to give it a home. When I harbor "unfriendly regard" for another or for myself, unhealth results. When I'm angry, I don't want to admit I'm at fault, meriting condemnation, so I begin to pass the buck: I'm angry because my spouse is such a jerk; If they weren't so mean I...; If only...; "The debbil made me do it" these are all excuses. The truth is, I choose to believe or do whatever I choose to believe or do (so do you!)
Some use rage turned inward as a self-punishment and this is manifested in denying themselves the things they like, in their "messy" house, and in their low self-esteem. The sequence pattern goes something like this: feelings of rejection guilt anger blame condemnation frustration dump responsibility. Imagined culpability makes me feel guilty. To resolve this feeling of guilt I can give myself compassion, sometimes called charity. If I give compassion to myself and to those who have made me feel rejected, my anger will dissipate. Forbearance is the opposite of anger.
I remember, as a teenager, being allowed to hold a newborn while the young parents ate their dinner. Every night they would have the same argument over which way to cut the butter--off the end or off the top, creating a dip in the middle. The argument seldom varied, was usually heated, and at the time I thought it was ridiculous. Who cared where the butter was cut? Now, looking back I realize the young parents needed to vent their frustrations with life and each other and the butter was a safe battleground.
Sometimes people use war to relieve physical distress caused by their anger, hostility, or guilt so they pick a fight with the ones they are safest with. Understanding the pattern can help break the cycle. Try for a state of non-war (What if they gave a WAR and nobody came?) by recognizing and internalizing that it's okay to accept yourself just as you are with all your good points and your weaknesses. You can accept others, also, just as they are with all their good points and all their weaknesses. That doesn't mean you can't disagree with others and you don't have to try to change their opinions but you do need to convey the message "I do hear you (and your point of view)." I concede that you have the right to say what you feel. I don't have to defend against what you say, or feel, because if I do I'm accepting responsibility for your feelings and I'm not responsible for your feelings, you are. If I defend, I'm admitting you've made me feel guilty and I'm out of control so I try to put you out of commission by counterattacking and we are at war.
Implied inadequacy is a major attack and a useful manipulating tool almost guaranteeing a desire to please or measure up. Other types of attacks are shown in the following pattern:
ATTACK: Why did you break my bowl?
DEFEND: I didn't mean to, I was in a hurry and I...
COUNTERATTACK: You shouldn't have put it there. It was just a piece of junk anyway!
ACKNOWLEDGE: (Does not ignore, which is a form of attack) I can understand how you feel, I'm sorry I broke your bowl.
MARTYR: (Puts guilt on others) It was my favorite bowl, Aunt Gertrude gave it to me...
GUILT: (Inspires anger, hostility and counterattack) I can't help it if I broke your bowl. Gee, what am I supposed to do? Glue it back together?
The situations change but the patterns fit everywhere. Try to spot the patterns first with others outside your personal situation. I did. Gradually I'm becoming an expert at recognizing patterns whenever I deal with people and it helps me to be at peace with myself.
Can I bring about a desired result, even a seemingly good desire, using manipulative techniques and justify the means? No, because choice is removed. I need to remember to properly govern myself even when I can't change the conduct of others. I choose my behavior. I can maintain proper relationships and avoid the frustrations of strife if I wisely apply my time and energy.
Some people may want to be angry because they think it gives them power, they use that power to intimidate and they don't want to be fixed because they're afraid it might take away that power.
Some people may remain angry all their lives, never figuring out that while most of us have cause for anger, whether we harbor it or not is a choice we make for ourselves. Maybe those same people believe blame for all their ills can be directed to or at another. While it's true that anger is a reactive emotion, I don't have to choose to give it a home. When I harbor "unfriendly regard" for another or for myself, unhealth results. When I'm angry, I don't want to admit I'm at fault, meriting condemnation, so I begin to pass the buck: I'm angry because my spouse is such a jerk; If they weren't so mean I...; If only...; "The debbil made me do it" these are all excuses. The truth is, I choose to believe or do whatever I choose to believe or do (so do you!)
Some use rage turned inward as a self-punishment and this is manifested in denying themselves the things they like, in their "messy" house, and in their low self-esteem. The sequence pattern goes something like this: feelings of rejection guilt anger blame condemnation frustration dump responsibility. Imagined culpability makes me feel guilty. To resolve this feeling of guilt I can give myself compassion, sometimes called charity. If I give compassion to myself and to those who have made me feel rejected, my anger will dissipate. Forbearance is the opposite of anger.
Anger
A messy house is a symptom of anger. Anger is a strong feeling of disfavor and is a reaction to the pre-emption of agency. It's often displaced and usually follows rejection, which is implied denial of existence. Its physical effects on the body can last two hours or more and doubles the risk of heart attack. Out-of-control anger can damage not only the physical situation, but can also damage emotional and spiritual health. People tend to excuse their lack of self control by blaming others. "I'm from a bad-tempered family." If my husband weren't so inconsiderate, I wouldn't get angry." The fact is I, alone, am responsible for what I do, say or think (and so are you!) I may not control circumstances or determine what other people do, but I can control how I react to people and events (and so can you!). Instead of blaming events or people for my anger, I need to recognize I make myself angry (and so do you!).
Are You a Controlling Person?
Do you help your children do their homework? Do you wake your spouse up in the morning? Hurry your family so they won't be late? Do you check to see if they have brushed their teeth, etc.?
In the old days I always wanted to drive. I didn't like being a passenger. I took care of the finances and paid the bills. I selected Darling's and the family's clothing. I told everybody what to do and how to run things. I was the boss and I wanted everything my way. I didn't know that people rebel against any form of control. Sometimes so-called weak personalities respond in passive rebellion, which causes even greater frustration for the controlling personality.
Passive means acted upon by an external agency. Anarchy is a state of lawlessness; absence of order. The term passive anarchy as I use it, relates to someone, other than yourself, who refuses to abide by the laws (rules) set up to govern (run) society (the family). Not in frontal defiance or open rebellion but passively--coming home at 12:05 for a midnight curfew, never enough to bring down a cataclysmic eruption but enough to maintain independence.
Darling left a bag of tools two feet from the inside garage door. He had to go in the front door, across the entry hall, through a second door, across the garage/family room where there were 3 patio chair pads, on which reclined a sleeping bag, a red, white and blue striped sheet, 2 king-size foam bed pillows, a set of drums--dismantled, an antique radio on which I listened to Gang Busters as a child, an antique school desk, an antique overstuffed wing back chair with the stuffing coming out, a rake, and a patio broom relocated from the tool room to sweep the rocks from the roof prior to re-roofing but left in the pathway for the same reason. Why, after successfully overcoming this obstacle course, did the culprit leave the bag of tools two feet from its place? Was it the same reason he drops his socks outside instead of inside the laundry basket?
Darling is a basketball legend. He played basketball longer than anyone else in the world but he can't hit the hoop on a drop shot from directly over the basket. Is it the same reason that for years he had a pair of his shoes carefully lined up, neatly side by side, under the sofa, the velvet chair, organ bench, table, desk, bed? Is it the same reason that keeps Darling from closing the drawers, the cupboard doors, the cereal box? Is it the same reason why the hammer can be found on the toilet tank (he made a side trip while he was using it and set it down while he zipped up--or was it down?). Is it the same reason why the ladder is still propped up to the roof two months after he went up to check the cooler? Is it the same reason why the tennis racket is left on the velvet chair in the living room which he passes on the way to the bedroom to turn on the TV to watch basketball? Is it a behavior pattern now become a habit begun as passive anarchy or passive rebellion? Is it his reaction to me trying to clone my world by trying to make his world fit into mine?
I certainly didn't desire power, nor did I have a need to feel like the boss, but I did fear that others couldn't make it on their own without my help. I guess I never really stopped to think about the implications. I hadn't realized I was as good as calling my teenagers stupid every time I reminded them to wash their hands when they came into the house or to shut the door or to go to bed.
I didn't know the takeover of another's consequences is the theft of his freedom of choice or agency because we learn from suffering the consequences of our actions. I didn't know doing a child's homework, even if he cries or fails, is an example of this theft because we also learn from our failures. I didn't know that low self esteem is a direct result of being robbed of our right to choose for ourselves, even in matters as seemingly unimportant as selecting what one should wear. When I did find out, I tried a one-week experiment with my first class to help overcome being a controlling person.
1) We didn't drive the car anywhere for any reason (except a bleeding emergency). We could be a passenger.
2) We didn't spend any money. We didn't carry it on our person, no credit cards, charge accounts, check writing. No money at all. We weren't the one who paid bills, paid for groceries, gas, allowances, nothing! We could shop, but couldn't physically be the one who paid.
3) We didn't become involved with our children's homework in any way.
4) Under no circumstances were we to tell another what to wear.
If you try this experiment for a week you may be surprised at how much controlling you have taken for granted. Being a controlling person infringes on the agency of others, which is against a basic law of the universe and therefore can't lead to happiness.
"When you talk about not waking up anyone in my family, that I'm taking responsibility that doesn't belong to me, you don't understand. My son Joe would be late everywhere he went. He could sleep through a fire alarm."
Joe may be able to sleep through a fire alarm (one of mine did), but I found from personal experience that after having been given their own personal alarm clock to be shared with no one, and informed that they were on their own, people like Joe would, in fact, arise in time to be on time. Of course, proper caring guidance should be used for younger children while they learn how to operate their clocks. If children are too young to set or operate a clock, find one they can at least shut off when they are awakened.
Billie, acting on this principle, announced to her husband and three children that they were "on their own." The children all arose on time. Not so the husband, who shut off the alarm and went back to sleep because Billie hadn't nagged him for the usual fifteen minutes about getting up. He was late for work and they almost came to blows. He later apologized and said, "I didn't think you would let me be late for work...I might've lost my job."
In interpersonal relationships people sometimes resort to "strategic helplessness" as a tool to help them get what they want instead of operating up to full competence level. They find it useful to fall back on, or depend on, someone else's resources. Strategically helpless people know exactly what they are doing and actually have other goals than those which are apparent. He is the Boss at the office, so at home he becomes a little boy whose mother takes care of him. He may not be aware of his own motivation.
A serious side effect of strategic helplessness could be loss of the ability to function in those areas given up. One who has lost in these areas may become depressed and fearful at having to cope. Sometimes we use strategic helplessness when we want nurturing. If this is the case, recognize that it is okay to ask for nurturing. "Give me a hug" is a whole lot easier to say than the complex game of strategic helplessness is to master.
Sometimes, I wonder if males and teenagers "mark their territory" by leaving parts of themselves around i.e. a tie on the chair, because they feel someone is trying to clear (clean) them out of their own home (space).
I was livid when I found the tool bag outside the door. My anger was totally out of proportion to the event (picking up the bag of tools and putting them in the tool cabinet). The friend with me reminded me I should do whatever I do because I want to, out of love. Love? Bah humbug! I have no love left! After venting and being reminded the problem was mine to solve, the answer came. I needed to take control of my own life to the extent that I only did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.
"But mom, that's selfish." No. First I must understand who I am and that I am important.
"I hate housework! If I only did what I want to do I'd never do housework." Maybe. But...why do you hate housework? Is it because housework forces you into the role of second class citizen? Faceless? Taken for granted? Servile? Do you hate it because it is "expected" that you do it? Of course! A woman's role has always been "to do the housework" even if she has a full-time job or career outside the home (or a "passel" of kids!)
In the old days I always wanted to drive. I didn't like being a passenger. I took care of the finances and paid the bills. I selected Darling's and the family's clothing. I told everybody what to do and how to run things. I was the boss and I wanted everything my way. I didn't know that people rebel against any form of control. Sometimes so-called weak personalities respond in passive rebellion, which causes even greater frustration for the controlling personality.
Passive means acted upon by an external agency. Anarchy is a state of lawlessness; absence of order. The term passive anarchy as I use it, relates to someone, other than yourself, who refuses to abide by the laws (rules) set up to govern (run) society (the family). Not in frontal defiance or open rebellion but passively--coming home at 12:05 for a midnight curfew, never enough to bring down a cataclysmic eruption but enough to maintain independence.
Darling left a bag of tools two feet from the inside garage door. He had to go in the front door, across the entry hall, through a second door, across the garage/family room where there were 3 patio chair pads, on which reclined a sleeping bag, a red, white and blue striped sheet, 2 king-size foam bed pillows, a set of drums--dismantled, an antique radio on which I listened to Gang Busters as a child, an antique school desk, an antique overstuffed wing back chair with the stuffing coming out, a rake, and a patio broom relocated from the tool room to sweep the rocks from the roof prior to re-roofing but left in the pathway for the same reason. Why, after successfully overcoming this obstacle course, did the culprit leave the bag of tools two feet from its place? Was it the same reason he drops his socks outside instead of inside the laundry basket?
Darling is a basketball legend. He played basketball longer than anyone else in the world but he can't hit the hoop on a drop shot from directly over the basket. Is it the same reason that for years he had a pair of his shoes carefully lined up, neatly side by side, under the sofa, the velvet chair, organ bench, table, desk, bed? Is it the same reason that keeps Darling from closing the drawers, the cupboard doors, the cereal box? Is it the same reason why the hammer can be found on the toilet tank (he made a side trip while he was using it and set it down while he zipped up--or was it down?). Is it the same reason why the ladder is still propped up to the roof two months after he went up to check the cooler? Is it the same reason why the tennis racket is left on the velvet chair in the living room which he passes on the way to the bedroom to turn on the TV to watch basketball? Is it a behavior pattern now become a habit begun as passive anarchy or passive rebellion? Is it his reaction to me trying to clone my world by trying to make his world fit into mine?
I certainly didn't desire power, nor did I have a need to feel like the boss, but I did fear that others couldn't make it on their own without my help. I guess I never really stopped to think about the implications. I hadn't realized I was as good as calling my teenagers stupid every time I reminded them to wash their hands when they came into the house or to shut the door or to go to bed.
I didn't know the takeover of another's consequences is the theft of his freedom of choice or agency because we learn from suffering the consequences of our actions. I didn't know doing a child's homework, even if he cries or fails, is an example of this theft because we also learn from our failures. I didn't know that low self esteem is a direct result of being robbed of our right to choose for ourselves, even in matters as seemingly unimportant as selecting what one should wear. When I did find out, I tried a one-week experiment with my first class to help overcome being a controlling person.
1) We didn't drive the car anywhere for any reason (except a bleeding emergency). We could be a passenger.
2) We didn't spend any money. We didn't carry it on our person, no credit cards, charge accounts, check writing. No money at all. We weren't the one who paid bills, paid for groceries, gas, allowances, nothing! We could shop, but couldn't physically be the one who paid.
3) We didn't become involved with our children's homework in any way.
4) Under no circumstances were we to tell another what to wear.
If you try this experiment for a week you may be surprised at how much controlling you have taken for granted. Being a controlling person infringes on the agency of others, which is against a basic law of the universe and therefore can't lead to happiness.
"When you talk about not waking up anyone in my family, that I'm taking responsibility that doesn't belong to me, you don't understand. My son Joe would be late everywhere he went. He could sleep through a fire alarm."
Joe may be able to sleep through a fire alarm (one of mine did), but I found from personal experience that after having been given their own personal alarm clock to be shared with no one, and informed that they were on their own, people like Joe would, in fact, arise in time to be on time. Of course, proper caring guidance should be used for younger children while they learn how to operate their clocks. If children are too young to set or operate a clock, find one they can at least shut off when they are awakened.
Billie, acting on this principle, announced to her husband and three children that they were "on their own." The children all arose on time. Not so the husband, who shut off the alarm and went back to sleep because Billie hadn't nagged him for the usual fifteen minutes about getting up. He was late for work and they almost came to blows. He later apologized and said, "I didn't think you would let me be late for work...I might've lost my job."
In interpersonal relationships people sometimes resort to "strategic helplessness" as a tool to help them get what they want instead of operating up to full competence level. They find it useful to fall back on, or depend on, someone else's resources. Strategically helpless people know exactly what they are doing and actually have other goals than those which are apparent. He is the Boss at the office, so at home he becomes a little boy whose mother takes care of him. He may not be aware of his own motivation.
A serious side effect of strategic helplessness could be loss of the ability to function in those areas given up. One who has lost in these areas may become depressed and fearful at having to cope. Sometimes we use strategic helplessness when we want nurturing. If this is the case, recognize that it is okay to ask for nurturing. "Give me a hug" is a whole lot easier to say than the complex game of strategic helplessness is to master.
Sometimes, I wonder if males and teenagers "mark their territory" by leaving parts of themselves around i.e. a tie on the chair, because they feel someone is trying to clear (clean) them out of their own home (space).
I was livid when I found the tool bag outside the door. My anger was totally out of proportion to the event (picking up the bag of tools and putting them in the tool cabinet). The friend with me reminded me I should do whatever I do because I want to, out of love. Love? Bah humbug! I have no love left! After venting and being reminded the problem was mine to solve, the answer came. I needed to take control of my own life to the extent that I only did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.
"But mom, that's selfish." No. First I must understand who I am and that I am important.
"I hate housework! If I only did what I want to do I'd never do housework." Maybe. But...why do you hate housework? Is it because housework forces you into the role of second class citizen? Faceless? Taken for granted? Servile? Do you hate it because it is "expected" that you do it? Of course! A woman's role has always been "to do the housework" even if she has a full-time job or career outside the home (or a "passel" of kids!)
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