Are You a Controlling Person?

Do you help your children do their homework? Do you wake your spouse up in the morning? Hurry your family so they won't be late? Do you check to see if they have brushed their teeth, etc.?

In the old days I always wanted to drive. I didn't like being a passenger. I took care of the finances and paid the bills. I selected Darling's and the family's clothing. I told everybody what to do and how to run things. I was the boss and I wanted everything my way. I didn't know that people rebel against any form of control. Sometimes so-called weak personalities respond in passive rebellion, which causes even greater frustration for the controlling personality.

Passive means acted upon by an external agency. Anarchy is a state of lawlessness; absence of order. The term passive anarchy as I use it, relates to someone, other than yourself, who refuses to abide by the laws (rules) set up to govern (run) society (the family). Not in frontal defiance or open rebellion but passively--coming home at 12:05 for a midnight curfew, never enough to bring down a cataclysmic eruption but enough to maintain independence.

Darling left a bag of tools two feet from the inside garage door. He had to go in the front door, across the entry hall, through a second door, across the garage/family room where there were 3 patio chair pads, on which reclined a sleeping bag, a red, white and blue striped sheet, 2 king-size foam bed pillows, a set of drums--dismantled, an antique radio on which I listened to Gang Busters as a child, an antique school desk, an antique overstuffed wing back chair with the stuffing coming out, a rake, and a patio broom relocated from the tool room to sweep the rocks from the roof prior to re-roofing but left in the pathway for the same reason. Why, after successfully overcoming this obstacle course, did the culprit leave the bag of tools two feet from its place? Was it the same reason he drops his socks outside instead of inside the laundry basket?

Darling is a basketball legend. He played basketball longer than anyone else in the world but he can't hit the hoop on a drop shot from directly over the basket. Is it the same reason that for years he had a pair of his shoes carefully lined up, neatly side by side, under the sofa, the velvet chair, organ bench, table, desk, bed? Is it the same reason that keeps Darling from closing the drawers, the cupboard doors, the cereal box? Is it the same reason why the hammer can be found on the toilet tank (he made a side trip while he was using it and set it down while he zipped up--or was it down?). Is it the same reason why the ladder is still propped up to the roof two months after he went up to check the cooler? Is it the same reason why the tennis racket is left on the velvet chair in the living room which he passes on the way to the bedroom to turn on the TV to watch basketball? Is it a behavior pattern now become a habit begun as passive anarchy or passive rebellion? Is it his reaction to me trying to clone my world by trying to make his world fit into mine?

I certainly didn't desire power, nor did I have a need to feel like the boss, but I did fear that others couldn't make it on their own without my help. I guess I never really stopped to think about the implications. I hadn't realized I was as good as calling my teenagers stupid every time I reminded them to wash their hands when they came into the house or to shut the door or to go to bed.

I didn't know the takeover of another's consequences is the theft of his freedom of choice or agency because we learn from suffering the consequences of our actions. I didn't know doing a child's homework, even if he cries or fails, is an example of this theft because we also learn from our failures. I didn't know that low self esteem is a direct result of being robbed of our right to choose for ourselves, even in matters as seemingly unimportant as selecting what one should wear. When I did find out, I tried a one-week experiment with my first class to help overcome being a controlling person.

1) We didn't drive the car anywhere for any reason (except a bleeding emergency). We could be a passenger.

2) We didn't spend any money. We didn't carry it on our person, no credit cards, charge accounts, check writing. No money at all. We weren't the one who paid bills, paid for groceries, gas, allowances, nothing! We could shop, but couldn't physically be the one who paid.

3) We didn't become involved with our children's homework in any way.

4) Under no circumstances were we to tell another what to wear.

If you try this experiment for a week you may be surprised at how much controlling you have taken for granted. Being a controlling person infringes on the agency of others, which is against a basic law of the universe and therefore can't lead to happiness.

"When you talk about not waking up anyone in my family, that I'm taking responsibility that doesn't belong to me, you don't understand. My son Joe would be late everywhere he went. He could sleep through a fire alarm."

Joe may be able to sleep through a fire alarm (one of mine did), but I found from personal experience that after having been given their own personal alarm clock to be shared with no one, and informed that they were on their own, people like Joe would, in fact, arise in time to be on time. Of course, proper caring guidance should be used for younger children while they learn how to operate their clocks. If children are too young to set or operate a clock, find one they can at least shut off when they are awakened.

Billie, acting on this principle, announced to her husband and three children that they were "on their own." The children all arose on time. Not so the husband, who shut off the alarm and went back to sleep because Billie hadn't nagged him for the usual fifteen minutes about getting up. He was late for work and they almost came to blows. He later apologized and said, "I didn't think you would let me be late for work...I might've lost my job."

In interpersonal relationships people sometimes resort to "strategic helplessness" as a tool to help them get what they want instead of operating up to full competence level. They find it useful to fall back on, or depend on, someone else's resources. Strategically helpless people know exactly what they are doing and actually have other goals than those which are apparent. He is the Boss at the office, so at home he becomes a little boy whose mother takes care of him. He may not be aware of his own motivation.

A serious side effect of strategic helplessness could be loss of the ability to function in those areas given up. One who has lost in these areas may become depressed and fearful at having to cope. Sometimes we use strategic helplessness when we want nurturing. If this is the case, recognize that it is okay to ask for nurturing. "Give me a hug" is a whole lot easier to say than the complex game of strategic helplessness is to master.

Sometimes, I wonder if males and teenagers "mark their territory" by leaving parts of themselves around i.e. a tie on the chair, because they feel someone is trying to clear (clean) them out of their own home (space).

I was livid when I found the tool bag outside the door. My anger was totally out of proportion to the event (picking up the bag of tools and putting them in the tool cabinet). The friend with me reminded me I should do whatever I do because I want to, out of love. Love? Bah humbug! I have no love left! After venting and being reminded the problem was mine to solve, the answer came. I needed to take control of my own life to the extent that I only did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.

"But mom, that's selfish." No. First I must understand who I am and that I am important.

"I hate housework! If I only did what I want to do I'd never do housework." Maybe. But...why do you hate housework? Is it because housework forces you into the role of second class citizen? Faceless? Taken for granted? Servile? Do you hate it because it is "expected" that you do it? Of course! A woman's role has always been "to do the housework" even if she has a full-time job or career outside the home (or a "passel" of kids!)