Displaced Anger

At age 6 weeks Andrew fell off the changing table and fractured his skull. Vickie's husband and her mother (needing a scapegoat for their own feelings) blamed her for "negligence." Her anxiety, coupled with her non-culpability, resulted in anger which from then on she directed at her son Andrew because he was the cause of her rejection by the two who should have loved her most. Dennis, her oldest son, and her mother's favorite who could do no wrong, got her love and acceptance. When Vickie was directed to realize why she was angry at Andrew, she was able to let the anger go and replace it with compassion and her relationship to Andrew improved.

I remember, as a teenager, being allowed to hold a newborn while the young parents ate their dinner. Every night they would have the same argument over which way to cut the butter--off the end or off the top, creating a dip in the middle. The argument seldom varied, was usually heated, and at the time I thought it was ridiculous. Who cared where the butter was cut? Now, looking back I realize the young parents needed to vent their frustrations with life and each other and the butter was a safe battleground.

Sometimes people use war to relieve physical distress caused by their anger, hostility, or guilt so they pick a fight with the ones they are safest with. Understanding the pattern can help break the cycle. Try for a state of non-war (What if they gave a WAR and nobody came?) by recognizing and internalizing that it's okay to accept yourself just as you are with all your good points and your weaknesses. You can accept others, also, just as they are with all their good points and all their weaknesses. That doesn't mean you can't disagree with others and you don't have to try to change their opinions but you do need to convey the message "I do hear you (and your point of view)." I concede that you have the right to say what you feel. I don't have to defend against what you say, or feel, because if I do I'm accepting responsibility for your feelings and I'm not responsible for your feelings, you are. If I defend, I'm admitting you've made me feel guilty and I'm out of control so I try to put you out of commission by counterattacking and we are at war.

Implied inadequacy is a major attack and a useful manipulating tool almost guaranteeing a desire to please or measure up. Other types of attacks are shown in the following pattern:

ATTACK: Why did you break my bowl?
DEFEND: I didn't mean to, I was in a hurry and I...
COUNTERATTACK: You shouldn't have put it there. It was just a piece of junk anyway!
ACKNOWLEDGE: (Does not ignore, which is a form of attack) I can understand how you feel, I'm sorry I broke your bowl.
MARTYR: (Puts guilt on others) It was my favorite bowl, Aunt Gertrude gave it to me...
GUILT: (Inspires anger, hostility and counterattack) I can't help it if I broke your bowl. Gee, what am I supposed to do? Glue it back together?

The situations change but the patterns fit everywhere. Try to spot the patterns first with others outside your personal situation. I did. Gradually I'm becoming an expert at recognizing patterns whenever I deal with people and it helps me to be at peace with myself.

Can I bring about a desired result, even a seemingly good desire, using manipulative techniques and justify the means? No, because choice is removed. I need to remember to properly govern myself even when I can't change the conduct of others. I choose my behavior. I can maintain proper relationships and avoid the frustrations of strife if I wisely apply my time and energy.

Some people may want to be angry because they think it gives them power, they use that power to intimidate and they don't want to be fixed because they're afraid it might take away that power.

Some people may remain angry all their lives, never figuring out that while most of us have cause for anger, whether we harbor it or not is a choice we make for ourselves. Maybe those same people believe blame for all their ills can be directed to or at another. While it's true that anger is a reactive emotion, I don't have to choose to give it a home. When I harbor "unfriendly regard" for another or for myself, unhealth results. When I'm angry, I don't want to admit I'm at fault, meriting condemnation, so I begin to pass the buck: I'm angry because my spouse is such a jerk; If they weren't so mean I...; If only...; "The debbil made me do it" these are all excuses. The truth is, I choose to believe or do whatever I choose to believe or do (so do you!)

Some use rage turned inward as a self-punishment and this is manifested in denying themselves the things they like, in their "messy" house, and in their low self-esteem. The sequence pattern goes something like this: feelings of rejection  guilt  anger  blame  condemnation  frustration  dump responsibility. Imagined culpability makes me feel guilty. To resolve this feeling of guilt I can give myself compassion, sometimes called charity. If I give compassion to myself and to those who have made me feel rejected, my anger will dissipate. Forbearance is the opposite of anger.