A Soft Voice Turneth Away Wrath

The young mother of a two-year-old periodically screeched and shouted at him to come back home. Hearing her reminded me that in the body of a two-year-old resides a full sized, mature adult spirit who hasn't learned to operate, and hasn't grown into, the physical body with all its intricate mechanisms. I imagined myself in the operator's seat of a giant scoop shovel crane. At first try I knew I wouldn't be able to operate the crane up and down or back and forth nor would I be able to scoop up dirt and fill a dump truck with it. This is about as close as I could come to the helplessness of a human infant learning to operate the physical body. Lack of intelligence wouldn't be the problem, merely inability to operate the mechanics. I changed my attitude about children when I recognized their equality with me in all areas except size and ability to operate the mechanics of both mind and body.

People who frequently use screeching and shouting are out of control. Allowing that some handle life situations this way, what changes are needed so that a soft voice could be used?

In trying to identify the need and the behavior pattern used to fill the need, I concluded:

(1) The mother's goal was too high. It is unreasonable to expect an unsupervised two-year-old to remain "in his own yard." Two-year-olds have declared independence and are off to explore.

(2) The mother's method was unsuitable, thus ineffective. Screeching and shouting may be necessary at certain specific times i.e., in case of fire or to stop the child from running in front of a truck, but for a regular daily discipline it loses its effectiveness.

What steps would help to overcome this problem?

(1) Plenty of rest

A mother who has any children under the age of 5 should be aware that she needs to get enough sleep. As I recall my own experience, this was virtually impossible. If you also find this to be true, there are methods to reduce stress to enable you to function with only occasional lapses from your goal.

(a) Take a feet-up "Smiley Break" mid day.

(b) Reduce "extra curricular" activities.

(c) Get down to Rock Bottom Basics.

(1) Decide what items have top priority, i.e., meals, dishes, laundry, trash, clutter, beds. Let everything else go.

(2) Make a yearly Deep Cleaning List to relieve the burden of worry about a "clean house."

(3) K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Sweetie) the children's room and toys. No more than 6 toys out to play with. Store the rest in a plastic trash bag and put it in the garage or attic. Every month or two months, change the toys. An exception to this rule is the child's favorite toy.

Realize your career is that of motherhood, the noblest of all careers, instituted by God from the beginning. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of taking "other" jobs, i.e., baby-sitting, errand running for other people, community service, any project that is not on the Rock Bottom Basic list. Young mothers get sucked into the belief that unless they have additional tasks to that of motherhood they are shirking their duty. This is a false premise.

(2) Nutrition

Second only to proper rest is sound nutrition. From personal experience and direct observation, I find two items common to the American diet prominent in causing screeching and shouting. They are sugar and chocolate. I have observed persons who have "purified" their bodies and then taken chocolate. Their reaction, within just a few hours, is temporary insanity. They lose control, screech and shout, shake, and have described the condition as a "bad trip." Observing the behavior of a two-year-old half an hour after he has been given a sugar source is enough to demonstrate a similar reaction.

To overcome even these two causes to the screeching and shouting ("S&S") problem isn't as easy as it sounds, as both sugar and chocolate are addictive. To stop using chocolate and sugar may cause withdrawal symptoms.

(3) Creative Outlet

To have a serene personality one should have a fulfilling creative outlet. This is a personal thing. Stitchery, needlepoint, painting, knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, photography and music, are some examples of filling your artistic, creative need. The caution is to remember the reason for doing is for self fulfillment--not to bring a fundraiser to the school bazaar. Don't allow yourself to be caught by a manipulative martyr and accept a guilt trip. Your #1 responsibility is yourself and you do not need to defend or explain your reasons for not contributing items, time or extra service to the club or community no matter how worthy the goal. If you allow demands on your time, you deplete your own supply. Zealously guard against invasion by parasites who would suck out your life energy without a thought and leave you "dead." Watch carefully that you do not allow others to expect you to do things for them that they can (and should) do for themselves. Hubby says call the auto supply and see if they have a part...then go get it. Wrong! Hubby and everyone else should make their own phone calls. You shouldn't make anyone else's calls, secretaries excepted, and no one should make yours. Yes, there may be exceptions but they are rare.

Getting back to the original problem and what can be done to speak in a soft voice.

(1) Resolve to speak in a soft voice whatever the provocation...even to call the dog! Exception:
(a) in case of fire
(b) to stop a child from running out in front of a truck or any other equally harmful emergency.

(2) Recognize your own limitations and those of your two-year-old or anyone else at whom you screech and shout.

(3) Eliminate frustrations from your life by items 1-3. K.I.S.S. your life.

(4) Examine your motives. What do you hope to gain by persisting in this course of action? Submission to your will? Is this a violation of the agency of the person at whom you are screeching and shouting? By screeching and shouting, do you intend to control them? Are you expressing power (control) by screeching and shouting? Why do you need to? Are you insecure in your position? If your answer is yes, then work on becoming secure in your position by identifying:

(1) What your position is

(2) What you need to do to maintain your position

(3) What you need to do to prevent others from eroding or taking away your status (security).

A raised voice is a trap or counterfeit. Shouting is a symptom of a person not knowing who he is or isn't. A person who shouts, assumes he has a right or obligation to decide what is best for another, and doesn't allow for the other person's agency. While shouting may intimidate, it doesn't lead to serenity.