Wear a Dress

Vicki asked me, "What happened to the wear a dress assignment? That was our first assignment. Wearing a dress makes you change yourself, then you can change your house. That assignment should be #1 on the list of things to do. Who wants to sit in a pile of junk with a dress on? Your attitude changes when you wear a dress (as opposed to a jeans personality). When you go around in sweats, you don't care whether you sit amidst garbage. When I started to ride my sister's horse, I didn't have proper riding clothes. I wore my jeans. When the horse drooled on me I wiped my hands on my jeans. I wouldn't dream of doing that on my slacks, riding habit, dress or stirrup pants. To put yourself in a better frame of mind, try to get up, get dressed, put makeup on, wear a dress. Doing this gets you ready to be able to pick up the piece of toast on the sofa."

Jeans Personality

When Meg was a teenager she usually wore dresses or slacks. One day she pulled on her jeans, and with them, her jeans personality. If I hadn't been standing there as a witness I wouldn't have believed it. Her whole persona changed! And not for the better. I believe that in many cases, the donning of jeans, old sweats, or an old muu-muu contributes to an overall downturn in self esteem.

Attitude Adjustment

Anne told me, "I'm not dieting. Dieting doesn't work for me. When I don't lose weight I feel like a failure. Right now I'm concerned with eating only good food that will nourish me, at intervals that will prevent recurrence of un-health." Anne had spent years yo-yo dieting with the net result of overall gain. She periodically starved herself, lost a few pounds, then binged and gained back more than she had lost.

"Exercising gives me positive energy and makes me feel good. My goal is to recapture the self esteem I had as a child when I felt happy and secure because I was in control of my own essence. I wasn't afraid."

"Using the GIGO (garbage in/garbage out) method I set about reprogramming myself one step at a time. I'm making a positive attitude adjustment. I'm happier when I control my own essence. I can be at peace with myself. I can cease to be cynical. The steps are unique and individually tailored to fit."

FORMULA: Positive input, positive output results in affirmation. For example, think to yourself, "I'm becoming more beautiful. If I reprogram my mind with positive and only input positive, no negative can come out. The idea is to adjust my input to positive (positive expression of positive thoughts) thus building positive mental energy which enables my mind to function for full benefit. The power thus energized is visible on my countenance (aura)."

Sometimes life is so busy and loud we can't hear our own inner voice directing us toward good and beauty.

Beauty is a feeling, comes from within, and is solidified in everything we touch. It's a state of good, positive, order, truth or overall well-being. It's the ideal state, the absence of depression, illness, un-health. As long as I thought about myself as ugly, I could live in chaos and be acted upon. I didn't have to be responsible or "keep my house clean." Ugly does ugly. Ugly is like a military tank trap keeping us out of commission to further travel or progress and is accomplished by focusing on ugly. When I was able to recognize my own beauty, I took responsibility for my own life, became self directing, no longer acted upon, but acting for myself. If you stop focusing on ugly, beauty can blossom.

One day I took fresh towels into the bathroom. I had an armload, so I didn't turn on the light. As I spun around I caught a glimpse of Aunt Grace in the darkened mirror. Wait! Aunt Grace has been dead for more than twenty years. How could I have seen her? I turned on the light and peered closer. Yup! That was Aunt Grace peering back at me. No! Wait...that's really me! But Aunt Grace was beautiful (she loved me). How could I look like her? I'm old. I'm overweight. I'm not beautiful (I believed that because I didn't love me). Closer study and pondering made me realize Aunt Grace was about the age I am now when I knew her. She wasn't overweight, she was just right (she was about my size!) Suddenly, the light turned on inside my head. Aunt Grace was beautiful (I thought so because she loved me). If I look like her I must be beautiful. I vowed that day to stop seeing ugly when I looked in my mirror. I decided to look for my resemblances to Aunt Grace, to start loving me and to be happy. A recent visit to my sister showed me how successful I'd been at that particular quest. We were seated in her living room chatting. Out of the clear blue she interrupted, "My gosh Lorrainie, I don't know whether it's your glasses, or a trick of the light but you look just like Aunt Grace!"

Gaining knowledge of my own beauty freed me from bondage to ugly. When someone pushes my ugly buttons I can pull the plug and refrain from being ugly, which is a better way. The choice between ugly and beautiful is mine to make, not my parents', spouse's, children's, or anyone else's. When I'm beautiful I'm responsible TO my own divine nature. Recognizing my own beauty and refusing to allow rejection to dissuade me from being of worth, allows me to become self-directing, no longer acted upon but acting in my own best interest. The more rapidly I work to overcome evil with good, which is sometimes called obedience, the faster I progress toward enlightenment. When I allow myself to be beautiful it means little whether I am young or old, short or tall, fat or thin.

CAUTION: This recognition isn't accomplished overnight so "don't run faster than you are able." The little dog got to Dover one step at a time, and he stopped to chase rabbits along the way.

You can't "save" anyone else. The person's own desire saves himself as he recognizes truth on whatever level and chooses to live it. The example of your own light or beauty, held high to show the way is the candle at which others ignite their own flame.

Just Say No!

I'm an advocate of self liberation. I advocate finding freedom from repressed rage (migraines to hypertension) that people have because throughout their entire lives they haven't learned to say NO! to the things they don't want to do but feel compelled to do something by whatever social pressure is exerted.

LESSON:

Pucker up: Put your tongue forward, put voice to the wind passing through your nose, now open your mouth and continue the sound. NNNNNNNNN OH!
NO!

No excuses, just NO. After a certain amount of time, depending on how long you have been a yes person, you will be in control of your own life.

Why will doing this allow you to stop hating housework? Because you'll have learned the tricks of the trade, how to simplify your life, why you get bogged down, and why housework is important to YOU. Not because of the whitest wash hanging on the line (competition) but because you will have learned that peace of mind (serenity) comes from an orderly environment. You are not doing things to please other people or NOT to please other people (rebelling either passively or actively) but because YOU feel better having things orderly. You can accomplish this by making a simple...

Triage

When someone has a real need, like an emergency, I'm capable of triage--which is assessing the nature and seriousness of wounds in a multi-injury situation so the seriously injured don't die while a band-aid is being applied to a hardly wounded-at-all patient.

I'm also sensitive enough to offer my services when those services are really needed, but I reserve the right to refuse my services to anyone whom I feel may be infringing on my good nature. I've done many useful things. I can't be all things to all people, so I must choose what I will and what I won't do. I no longer let the opinions of others bother me. I know who I am and I act accordingly. I've found other people relate to me easier because I am straightforward and honest about my feelings. Since I took charge of my life, I seldom feel anger, bitterness, or hostility, because I seldom let others manipulate me into doing something I don't want to do. You too can take charge of your life and stop letting others manipulate you. This is how:

Calendar

A major help in gaining control of your life is calendaring your time.

Aunt Grace was one of my father's older sisters. She washed on Monday, ironed on Tuesday, cleaned on Wednesday, shopped on Thursday. Her routine never varied.

"Hi! How are you? What're you doing?"

"It's Monday."

"So?"

"Monday is wash day."

Aunt Grace became my Miss Manners. She knew all about etiquette. She once told me, "Drop over some time" was the colossal insult. She declared an invitation gave day, time and duration.

"Come over any time" translates: "I have no value. My time is worthless. I am worthless." If nobody thinks you are important, it's your fault. You set your own value.

Aunt Grace washed on Monday. I like Mondays because they're so quiet after the hurly-burly of the weekend, and I use them to recover from it. I schedule my calendar in advance, and rarely schedule any outside activity for Mondays. I use Mondays to get in charge of the week ahead. No engagements are accepted without checking the calendar.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are for any out-of-the-house appointments, errands, etc. Friday is "Pamper Me" day when you get your nails/hair done, have lunch with a friend, or whatever you want to do strictly to please and pamper yourself. Saturday is family day. No housework is allowed on family day. No, not any. Sunday is a part of the family time. No housework here either.

"But I work. Saturday and Sunday are the only days I have to catch up. If I didn't do housework then, it would never get done." You may think that now, but when your life is in control you will find more time than ever before, and you will not have to do housework on the weekends.

Schedule one hour two days a week--try Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday--for deep cleaning. Remember to use the timer. Schedule one hour a day for basic chores. If you are employed outside the home break this time down into two or more parts: the beginning of your day and the end of your day. Schedule fifteen minutes for surface cleaning--again break this down into two parts, if needed.

Keep a large calendar where all the family can see it with a coordinated schedule so all know of events, appointments, birthdays, etc. I keep little yellow Post-it-notes by the phone and write the appointment time and place, stick it on the calendar on the appropriate date and then I take it with me when I go or take it down when the event is over. It keeps the calendar tidier.

Mary Alice never allowed herself to be pressured into accepting invitations or even to bake cookies for the bazaar. She responded to all, "Let me check my calendar and get back with you." Sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. Whatever she did, she was in control of her time and her life. Another woman wrote a big NO! on her calendar. When pressed to do something she didn't want to do, she merely said, "Sorry. My calendar says no." I tried that one, and it works! I could truthfully say my calendar says no when I was tempted to over-book. The response to "Shall we do lunch Monday?" is: "I'll check my calendar and get back to you." This gives you control of the situation and relieves you of the stress of how to gracefully get out of doing something you don't want to do. Better yet, it puts you in charge of your life, even if it's something that you want to do.

Try this experiment. Get a calendar and write a big NO on the top. Then put a big X on all Mondays and Fridays. Accept NO bookings on those days. They belong to you. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are open until filled. In doing this now, you can say to an insistent manipulator without a twinge of conscience, "Sorry, I'm booked solid that day."

Clutter Level

Clutter jangles your vibes and acts as a power drain on the main supply. A cluttered life is out of control. Even if I'm "used to it," I'm subconsciously drained by clutter so I may seek an out and use busy-ness as a form of escape when the pressure and responsibility of coping become overwhelming. Life can be cluttered by things, people, the stuff we collect. I can surround myself with so many material things that I have no time for anything else and those things can negatively influence my well-being.

Sports, TV, clubs, lodges, church or community activity, ballet lessons, "friend's" phone calls, hobbies etc. are all useful tools to escape the reality of a dull, boring life which doesn't fulfill a Cinderella/Prince Charming "happily ever after" life, which is a fantasy anyway.

It surprised me to find out how much I contributed to overall beauty just by eliminating clutter from around my own personal environment. Disorder causes an energy drain. When things are in order they are energy compatible.

Each step you take toward order adds a positive charge to your run-down battery. Pretty soon you'll have energy to jump start and we'll be able to unclutter, and get back to basics: simple, straight, order.

Order has important rewards. It makes us healthier, happier, safer, and saves time and energy. It improves our disposition because we feel better when we are in control of things. It helps everyone develop self-discipline and consideration for others. It produces a more tranquil atmosphere and more harmony among family members, but more importantly it produces peace within ourselves, allowing us to better cope with life as we find it.

When your clutter level gets too high, don't blow a gasket. I'll show you, step by step, what you'll need to do to get your house mother-in-law clean and keep it that way in two hours or less.

If your energy level is, like mine, so low that you can hardly get going, give yourself a break! Don't be overwhelmed by the mountain you have to climb. If you get up, take a shower, get dressed and comb your hair, consider yourself a success. Yeaaay! We can climb from here. Add to this routine making your bed. Way to go! When you've got these two mastered for a week, go on and add doing the dishes to your new routine.

Taking a feet-up Smiley Break is a must. Do it often. Smiley Breaks do not include watching TV. Current research shows that TV watching drains energy. A Smiley Break is a five-minute reward you give yourself for a job well done. (Any job is well done if you do it because only you can please you.) Wipe your forehead with the back of your wrist. Smile. Way to go! Take a deep breath...in through the nose...out through the mouth. Again. Smiley Break rewards are taken sitting down, preferably with your feet up.

Safety First

The doorbell rang. I went to answer it and peeked out the peephole. What? That can't be a hook and ladder fire truck parked in front of my house! (It was!) I sniffed for smoke and threw open the door. Standing there with a polite smile on his face, was the tallest, most imposing fireman I've ever seen up close. I'm not even sure if I'd ever seen another fireman that close, imposing or not.

"Hello. We're checking houses in the neighborhood for fire hazards. If we find you have any we will stick a red fire hazard sticker on them."

"Sure, c'mon in. The kids told us it was fire safety week. They pretty much took care of all the fire hazards they spotted."

"Well, I'm glad to say they didn't leave many unspotted. However, there is a problem in the garage." (Right! The garage is all kinds of a disaster area but I thought the kids had taken care of the spontaneous combustibles.)

"All exits must be clear and the pathways to them also. See these tables here?" The tables in question were two folded card tables leaning against the wall and sticking out about six inches into the pathway to the side yard exit which we seldom used. "In case of a fire, no exit or pathway to any exit should be impeded. I won't give you a sticker because you have already cleared the pathway. Congratulate the young fire safety experts. Have a nice day."

Take a look around. Is the pathway to any exit impeded? Could anyone run from any room in the house (as in to escape a fire or to answer the phone) without tripping over something that doesn't belong there (toys, clothing, auto parts, fast food containers, laundry)? Clear the pathways.

When Wendle came into his wife's home office, he tripped over something on the floor, turning his ankle. His mild rebuke was a gem, "This has gone beyond messy, it's now an issue of safety!"

Does this scene sound familiar? Has your clutter level reached a point where it's gotten out of control, gone beyond messy into un-safety or become a health hazard? If this is the case and conditions are unsafe, deal with those first. You can have lots of stuff and still have a safe environment.

Is every flat surface piled with things like leftover pepperoni pizza, the melted ice dregs of somebody's soda-pop, last week's newspaper, last year's magazines or even worse, last year's newspapers? Maybe all of the above and more?

You may not want to bother with organizing your socks drawer, but the spoiled food in the refrigerator is risky. Salmonella grows rapidly and other little nasties may lie behind the scenes. I was grown up before I realized LA CUCARACHA wasn't just a cute, catchy song.

My introduction to maggots came when I was working with a non-op. I didn't know what they were. Flies? Really? Yuck! The transition from maggots to flies was further shown on the floor of the children's playroom where several thousand dead flies lay by the glass doors.

I can say about the same for my first experience with six inches of mold growing up out of a pot of beans on the back burner of another non-op I worked with.

I can top that experience. I went on a first consulting visit to a non-op. She had agreed to work with me, although she was reclusive. It was a blustery March day and I had a fairly longish drive out to her place past the outskirts of town. She had several children, the youngest was nine months old and crawling. The entire house at floor level was beyond unsafe. I barely made it to a place to sit without breaking a leg. I tried not to show my emotions as I watched the baby crawl toward an atrophied mouse caught in a trap amid the dried needles under the Christmas tree.

I can even top that experience. I cleaned a fourteen-room house I owned that had been rented to a sweet young couple--but they turned it into a commune. Twenty-five "hippies" lived there, and when they moved out I didn't allow anyone to come near it for fear they might catch a terminal illness. I cleaned it out myself with a push garage broom, a shovel, a bucket of pine oil water, a garden hose, and hauled away three trailers full of garbage. The "hippies" had used one room for nature calls, some of which they just left on the floor, some of which they contained in bottles of various shapes and sizes and threw out the window into the hay-high weeds. My, what a lot of different kinds of beer bottles. Wait! This isn't beer!

I consider these examples of "beyond messy" and way into the field of health and safety or should I say unhealthy and unsafe.

Jennifer had just returned from a shopping spree. Among her purchases was a storage container to be assembled. She went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. The kitchen was a mess and there were flies on the cats' bowl. Rather than clean up the mess and get rid of the flies, she chose to put the storage container together because that was more fun.

Questioning why she didn't deal with the flies, she told herself, "That's gross! Excuse me! If not you, who? Mom ain't here no more. What? You think a genie's gonna pop out of a lamp or a fairy godmother's gonna wave her magic wand and everything will sparkle? Get real! Reality is it won't take 30 seconds to rinse out the cats' bowl. This is one of those safety first times--DO IT NOW!"

In checking out why she didn't deal with the flies, Jennifer used some great excuses. 1) "I didn't care about the flies--that was a lie, the bowl looked gross! 2) My brain didn't process the information past my eyes--also a lie--I saw it and thought it was gross! 3) The mess was overwhelming and draining, taking all of my energy--another lie--I assembled the storage container. 4) I am able to compartmentalize my actions. My brain separates what my eyes see into compartments and I can see the mess, the flies, process the information, assess it, analyze it, decide it isn't important to me and shine it on (ignore it)."

"Wait a minute! There's nobody here but me. If not me, who? The choice is mine. Yes, I can ignore it, but that won't help. The flies will allow maggots and multiply the grossness. Thirty seconds? Come on!"

Try thinking of yourself as a Buckstop (as in the buck stops here with you) and deal with life now as you find it. Reality is putting this newspaper in the trash, this little paper in the trash, this sweater in the closet. A mess isn't one newspaper on the sofa, but if you always leave the newspaper on the sofa, it becomes a mess. You can keep up, not let it go. If you do let it go, you'll have to do a marathon to catch up.

Personal Hygiene

Lack of caring about self, manifested by general sloppiness, specifically, skipping regular sessions of personal hygiene, not dressing at all, or going around in old sweats is a sure sign of a self-esteem problem. When my depression was at its worst, I went four days without bathing, washing my face, brushing my teeth, combing my hair or dressing. This was totally out of character for one who usually showered or bathed at least once every day.

On the other hand there are people who have a problem with personal hygiene who are NOT depressed. Often it is because for one reason or another, their sense of smell is in some way impaired. This is a very delicate problem. I have had several inquiries as to the best method of telling a friend she/he has an odor problem. In the newspaper advice columns the subject has been handled with both humor and rudeness. I took an informal poll and discovered not one person was willing to say anything even though all thought the problem serious. The consensus of opinion was: "How can you tell a friend 'you stink' politely? There is no way."

Shower or bathe every day at least once. If you work hard or have a dirty job, twice might not be often enough.

Brush your teeth in the early morning before meeting others. I remember the new bride who woke up early so she could brush her teeth before her husband woke up and kissed her good morning.

Shampoo your hair at least once a week. My youngest daughter, who has hair so long she sits on it, washes her hair every day and oftener if she swims.

Use a good deodorant every day, but not necessarily a highly scented one. Ask a family member if it works for you. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, your old standby doesn't do the job anymore and you need to shop around again. All members in the family are not always suited to the same brand or kind, so find out which works best for whom.

Change all undergarments at least once a day.

Change your socks at least once a day. Socks shouldn't be worn twice without being washed. Put charcoal odor pads in heavily used shoes (work, jogging).

A part of personal hygiene even the most fastidious can overlook is diet. Nature's ways to eliminate toxic wastes are via the 1) lungs (breath); 2) vomiting and diarrhea; 3) feces and urine; and 4) skin. Which method is used varies according to the toxicity of the substance ingested. Natural waste is eliminated via urine and feces but the more overloaded the system, the more help is needed, so the lungs and skin get into the act. Watching to see what items of food caused odor problems, I discovered, bar none, the overall #1 winner was pepperoni pizza. The morning after a visit to the local pizza parlor, my kids' rooms would smell so rank I was sickened. Garlic and onions have long been known. Heavy spices, hot foods, chili, and peppers, were some of the others I found. Natural hygienists say that if one eliminates garbage, junk food, and toxic substances from the diet, body odor problems will be eliminated, including odorous waste elimination via urine and feces.

Stress causes chemical changes in the body which can cause odor problems. We have all seen enough TV commercials for deodorants to know what kinds of things are at fault. We have less control over this kind of problem, but the basic rules of hygiene will usually work in this area too.

Another area that even fastidious people, especially those who sew their own clothing, sometimes overlook is fabric selection. Manmade fabrics are relatively inexpensive and easy to work with but they have a built-in major health problem: they don't breathe and they react to body chemicals to retain odors even after washing. The only cure I have found is to wear the garment only once even though it is apparently clean, and when laundering use a few drops of pine oil (or other disinfectant) along with the regular washing cleaners. Pine oil is the most effective deodorizer I have found and I use it to disinfect sinks, toilets, floor, and laundry.

Capable

Having learned my physical body isn't capable of bringing about or maintaining peace, serenity, order, quiet, harmony, beauty and simplicity in my house all at once, I needed a plan to supply energy and strength to accomplish my goals. I knew I was not capable of doing everything, so I picked and chose what was most important to me.

Whenever things are going wrong in my life I check my priorities. It's likely I've let them slip out of alignment and I need to get them back in the correct order, which is:

1) SELF TO GOD
2) SELF TO SELF
3) SELF TO SPOUSE
4) SELF TO CHILDREN
5) SELF TO FAMILY
6) SELF TO CHURCH
7) SELF TO COMMUNITY

Prioritizing keeps me from wasting my inheritance, or time, in pursuit of riotous living (I can't take it with me). I take a hard look at the way I'm using my time--work, ambition, affiliations, habits and say no to those things that rob me of time and infringe on my agency to choose to live in happiness. Today is reality. It's all I have. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may not get here. Today is okay. I can make of it what I will. I do the best I can, where I am, with what I have and look toward excellence. I remind myself to run only as fast as I'm able and not try to accomplish miracles overnight.

When I was young I didn't think anything about hopping on one foot while I put on my socks but as I got older I gave way to age and sat down to put on my socks. Yet something so basic as putting on socks can be a brain strengthener or fountain of youth. Balancing on one foot to put on my socks strengthens or builds a part of my brain that slows the aging process; so does ballroom dancing.

I watched a TV feature which showed therapists working with wheelchair-bound elderly people who used to sit and vegetate. They used simple exercises--such as extending arms to the front then bending elbows to touch shoulders or standing in a group circle holding hands, raising the hands high and back down while lifting the left foot to the right then the right foot to the left in time with the music--allow the brain to strengthen the neuro-synapses, the roadway of the brain. Those same therapists put a belt attached to a pulley connected to prescribed weights around the waist of an older person previously unable to walk, then jerked the belt with prescribed jerks, and trained the person to keep his balance, eventually enabling him to walk again. I call this mind setting and liken it to computer programming. If I haven't put it in I can't get it out.

Health Problems

For years I had a wide variety of symptoms, including chronic fatigue and depression, but the doctors I consulted said there was nothing wrong with me and sent me to a psychiatrist. As if traveling 87 miles one way once a week or even once a month would cure my fatigue! It didn't. Years later I was still tired all the time.

It was my birthday. I'd gotten up late, had several phone calls, a couple of bouquets of flowers had been delivered, and some friends brought by a fresh strawberry and whipped cream birthday cake. It was my favorite kind, and I could hardly wait until they left to sample it. It looked much more attractive than the cold cereal I was just about to eat. It was delicious!

Several more friends came by throughout the day to wish me well and I got hungry in between the visits so I had another piece of cake. That evening I had another piece. When another friend came by to visit I complained about not feeling very well. About ten o'clock that night my husband felt sorry for me and fixed me a birthday meal.

The next day we traveled the long distance to visit family. I hadn't seen my 83-year-old brother-in-law for some time. The first words he said as he opened the door to invite us in was, "My Gosh, Lorrainie! You look like you have diabetes."

"No, George, I'm just tired from traveling."

"No! You go get a diabetes test first thing in the morning, promise?"

"Doctor, does a diabetes test require fasting?"

"No."

"My brother-in-law thinks I should have one."

"Is he a doctor?"

"No. He's 83." I figured anybody who'd been around that long must know what he was talking about!

So the test was taken and proved to be so scary the doctor called to have me admitted to the hospital on the spot. Fortunately, the endocrinologist didn't think that was necessary. He prescribed pills, which I reluctantly took, and the difference the pills made was like night and day.

I only had to take the pills for a few weeks. A dietitian, who did more for my health than all the doctors combined, prescribed an eating plan time schedule. She told me about portion size and eating oftener. Taking her advice and acting on it has allowed me to overcome many of the symptoms that had kept me almost an invalid for years.

For fifteen years I had consulted various doctors because I was always tired. I complained of my lack of energy and my depression. I lost twenty-five per cent of the vision in my right eye overnight. I consulted about an infection. All these were major symptoms of diabetes. I had multitudes of expensive tests. I was told my symptoms were atypical of any known disease. No doctor ever ran the simple test for diabetes.

Ready?

With your heart singing because of your newly neat linen closet you are ready to go to the public rooms. These are the places outsiders will see, such as an entryway, a living room, or guest bathroom. There's nothing quite so embarrassing as having the UPS man need to use your guest bathroom, and it's so full he can't. Martha put her soiled pots and pans in her bathtub and closed the shower curtain, this was after both of her double ovens were full. On the other hand, it makes you feel great when that UPS man comes out and says "What a great bathroom." You won't ever have to apologize for the mess again.

If you are starting from scratch to clear, and have a major mess, realize we aren't talking instant pudding here. If you have limited time (don't we all?), 15 minutes may be all you have today. Be like Scarlett from Gone with the Wind and don't worry about that today; after all, tomorrow is another day. You may think you have energy enough to do it all now, but if you do more than you have strength for, when tomorrow comes you won't want to "get on with the program."

If you lack energy like I did, (I couldn't even hold my head up, it was too heavy) maybe you, too, have a health problem. Check it out.

The Happy Linen Closet

I went to one of those parties where you buy things and was introduced to the woman next to me there from Schenectady who was visiting her daughter. When she heard my name she exclaimed, "I tri-fold my towels! It's the greatest trick I ever learned. I love it! I go to my closet several times a day just to see how neat it is!" I hadn't even considered writing this book so how could a woman from New York hear about me and the tri-folded towel? It turned out the daughter she'd come to see had been in a class of mine.

What is important about a tri-folded towel?

Who cares?

Most of us, at one time or another, have a closet that "spills over." In the old days they were referred to as a Fibber McGee's closet after the famous radio hero who was always going to clean out his closet but never did and whenever he opened the door everything fell out with a loud clatter (Fibber McGee and Molly). These days we don't have time for clutter (nor its resultant clatter).

Try this experiment. It's something fun and simple. Go to the towel shelf of your linen closet. Clear that shelf of everything, down to the board. Remember we are only working with one towel shelf. Take all the towels to a comfy spot, preferably a bed. Sit down, take one towel lengthwise, one hand gripping each end, and fold toward the center third. Repeat with the other edge. Fold end to end in half and in half again.

Voila! A tri-folded towel. This is the fastest, neatest way to fold towels (so no edges show) and when the towels are stacked so that the fold of the towel is at the front edge of the closet shelf, you have a neat closet. The towels are easier to get at, and they stay stacked better than flat corner-to-corner stacks, which look unkempt because the edges show. Try it. You'll like it.

Now fold the pillow cases the same way: lengthwise edge into the center, in thirds; then end to end, which makes a fold at the middle; then fold again, this time fold to the end. Sheets are a bit harder because they are bulky. Find all four corners of the sheet. Don't shake it or fluff it, just find the first two corners (on a long side) and put them together in one hand. Holding the corners in one hand, use your other hand to find the other two corners. With the other hand, from the corners, run your fingers out until you end at the fold. Take the fold and put it with the four corners. Repeat the process. Next, fold the sheet at the middle. Again. Be sure to keep all edges turned to the inside and all folds to the outside, that way you will see no messy edges.

Stack the folded sheets on the sheet shelf with the huge fold at the edge of the shelf facing out (front) and the other ends facing in (back). When all the linens are folded and stacked this way the psychological lift you will get from seeing a neat closet every time you reach for a fresh towel will surprise you.

Wasn't that simple?

The Heart of Your Home

One of the nicest compliments I ever received was from a new friend who said "You have a beautiful home." Really? This lady spent more on junk jewelry than I had to run my family for an entire year. The "house" in question was a twenty-plus-year-old condominium we had leased for a year. About all I could say positive about it was the complex had a fairly good tennis pro and the tennis courts were adequate. I thought it was dark and dismal but she went on to tell me that whenever she visited she felt happy, peaceful and serene. While I was busy thinking how to thank her for the nice comment she went on to say, "No. It isn't the house, it would be the same anywhere. You are the heart of your home. Wherever you are your home would be the same."

I analyzed her words. I wanted to believe them. Do I do something special to make my guests feel welcome? I thought about how I feel when I visit others. The next time I had a visitor I noted what I did. When a guest knocks I get up and go to the door. Doesn't everyone? No. I've visited and in response to my knock I've often been yelled at, "C'mon in!" I hesitantly open the door, wondering if the dog is friendly, peek inside, again wondering if I really am welcome. After searching for the occupant and finding them doing some task from which they seemingly don't wish to be disturbed (watching TV, reading the newspaper) I transfer my weight from one foot to the other, waiting to be invited to sit or wondering if I should leave to return at a more convenient time.

"Oh, hi."

Even before guests knock I let them know I value their visit by maintaining a clear pathway to the door. No bikes overturned on the walk or driveway, the porch and steps swept, the door wiped clean of fingerprints. Then I tell my guests they are welcome.

"Hello! It's nice to see you! Come in. Please, sit down here." (haven't you ever wondered if you should sit on the antique velvet sofa or grab a kitchen chair?)

"I'm glad you came!"

Whatever reason visitors have for visiting they can be made to feel welcome. I can show I care what they have to say by looking them in the eye and listening, even if it's a message I don't want to hear.

Each time a guest leaves my home at the end of the visit I escort them to their car again telling them how much I appreciate the visit and I remain there, waiting until they leave, and I smile and wave until they are out of sight. This is second nature to me and I never thought anything about it until a woman I admired remarked how she felt so welcome when she visited me and the mood stayed after she left. She vowed she would make an effort to copy my style which she said she admired. Style? Me? How?

"You walk all your guests to their car. I've watched. Even when you have more than one, you excuse yourself from those remaining and walk each departing guest to their car. When it's my turn I feel honored."

When I thought about departing others' homes, I remembered taking my leave with the hostess remaining seated as I walked to the door. "See Ya," while I tried to open the tricky front door and keep the cat from getting out while the hostess went back to reading her newspaper. Was I really welcome? Did I really want to visit again?

That please come again feeling, that makes you feel welcome and loved is a prime ingredient in the making of a haven. Making a haven begins with simplicity by doing simple things.

What simple things?

Where are Your Daffodils?

Donna, my long-time friend, was my close neighbor. Our kids grew up together. Our friendship has lasted through thick and thin and my many moves. We know and trust each other so when I visit her and "do my thing" with her "things" she smiles and sometimes giggles because I get involved puttering here and there, moving her decor a quarter-inch here, or six inches there, and put this item there or vice-versa. She smiles at my frowns, knowing when I finally do smile she will be delighted with the result of my efforts. "I don't know what you do, I watch, it isn't obvious, but the end product is pure artistry."

After one of these sessions she asked, "What do I need to do next?" I told her the next item on her agenda was to take care of the mess on her dresser so that her heart would sing. Donna replied, "And I need to get rid of the daffodil arrangement." I wondered why because Donna's daffodil arrangement was beautiful but for some reason she didn't like it. If she focused on the daffodils and stalled out wondering what to do with them she could sluff off doing the dresser. It's a perfect copout. She can concentrate on other things, substitute busy-ness for heartsong and she gets to keep her anger, which enables her to be disabled!

Avoidance, copout, busy-ness, addiction, call it what you like, I call it "daffodils," which allow escape from rejection, provide validation of worth and allow a person not to face what they are hiding from, which is anger engendered by the loss (theft) of self-esteem.

When the pattern of avoidance begins, I look for violation of personal "space" or for loss (theft) of self-validation. Because someone I have trusted has robbed me of the joy of being me. Powerful manipulative tools are used to bring about theft of identity, usually accomplished by rejection (invalidation) or the refusal to acknowledge individual existence. Everyone needs to exist to their loved ones and if this basic need is denied in any way we'll go to almost any length to gain acceptance (validation)--seeking employment (even the minimum wage offers monetary validation of worth), extra-marital affairs ("I am TOO desirable!"), President of the PTA ("I can TOO manage well"), politics ("I can TOO run a committee, a precinct, a city, a county.")

Where are your daffodils? Once you identify them maybe you can deal with them, one at a time by recognizing why you have invited them into your life in the first place, then testing each busy-ness by the formula: "Does it really make my heart sing? Or am I doing this to be a people pleaser?

I accomplished a major breakthrough when I discovered I didn't have to be a people pleaser to be happy. In fact, I discovered the opposite was true. The more I chose my behavior (and the things I allowed myself to get involved with) the happier I became. I had more time for me but the most significant fact soon became apparent...I lost the anger I felt when I allowed others to demand my time and services at the sacrifice of my own needs.

Genderless Lament

Edward, age 71, a retired engineer, came to one of my classes and voiced the "Housewife's Lament," teaching me that the Lament has no gender, but can be sung by both sexes.

I asked "What's the problem?" Edward answered, "I have so much stuff I don't have room for any more. I don't even have room for me!"

I had Edward draw a floor plan of his dwelling and fill it in with major items like furniture. He had a two-car detached garage, filled to the brim. He could neither open the side door nor get into it. He had two large sheds which were in the same condition as the garage. I had Edward "walk" me through his house to eat and sleep and relax. He could "just" get in the door. He could get to the kitchen but that didn't do him much good because the countertops were filled with various items along with the dirty dishes he "hated" to wash. There was "no reward" in repetitive drudgery. So he mostly ate out. He didn't have a table in the kitchen but he did have a bar which couldn't be used because there wasn't "a square inch" of space available on it. The rest of the house was more of the same. He could carefully walk to the bed. He could carefully get to the bathroom. He figured the square footage total of all his buildings. The house, garage, and two sheds totaled 1350 square feet. He figured the area he could walk around in and utilize for himself at 2 feet by eight feet or 16 square feet! Adding for his bed space it was still less than 50 square feet.

He could see for himself he had a problem which is why he came to class. Edward, like all first timers to class, was hoping for a miracle. Most miracles, like most millionaires, are self-made.

Edward's complaint was that he didn't have a place for a guest to sit because the chairs were full of boxes of "things" and he had no more floor space on which to set the boxes when someone "dropped in."

His "problem" was so overwhelming it sapped his strength--physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. He couldn't even use the old dodge, "The hurrier I go the behinder I get" because he couldn't even get up stamina to start anything--let alone finish it.

Where do we begin in helping Edward? Correct! The beginning! And where is the beginning? The kitchen? The dirty dishes? The boxes on the chairs? Those were Edward's most urgent problems, right? Wrong!

Whose responsibility is it that Edward's guests don't have a place to sit? Let's blame it on Edward's parents. They didn't:

A) love him enough/loved him too much
B) teach him to be a good housekeeper
C) provide a maid for him in his old age
D) all of the above
E) none of the above

If you selected E) go to the head of the class. Edward's parents are in no way responsible for the fact that his guests have no place to sit. You can see where this idea is going. Let's get to the bottom line. Edward's guests have no place to sit because that is the way EDWARD chooses it to be. If he doesn't like the way things are HE can change them! YOU can't change them for him, neither can I. We can nag, harp, push, even take it upon ourselves to take the boxes, offer to "store them at our house" but none of these is a solution to Edward's problem.

Why does Edward not choose to have a place for his guests to sit? I listened for awhile to his elaborate excuse system for why he couldn't clear a place for his guests to sit. The answer hit me immediately. Edward doesn't want people to visit him. He is angry at "people." They rejected him--first in divorce (maybe before that) then they retired him. To relieve himself of the guilt he has generated by this anger he "does things" for people (busy-ness) so that he "never has time" to do anything for himself, which is his excuse not to have a place for his guests to sit which is "getting back at people" for rejecting him by rejecting them. Complicated? Not really. Edward's problem boils down to his priorities are out of line. Maybe your problem isn't as extreme as Edward's but it is a problem to you.

Who am I? Who is Edward? Who are you? Let's get our priorities straight. We're #1!

Are You Busy or Are You Hiding?

It was Easter vacation. The youngest (and only one still living at home) was out of high school for the week. His mother, who had finally discovered she had a life of her own, visited me. She looked terrible. She hadn't combed her hair. She had on an old T-shirt, no make-up and her mouth drooped. She had a multitude of excuses for why she hadn't brought her current project to work on. When asked what was wrong, she snapped and admitted she had a headache. (Headaches aren't allowed.) Why? Did you follow your eating regimen? Get adequate rest? We checked out every possible reason until it finally dawned on her. Her 15-year-old was home from school for the week. That was it! She was avoiding him and his violation of "her" space. She'd gone to lunch with a friend, gone shopping, gone visiting, had just plain gone to avoid dealing with him on a continual basis. She was inventing busy-ness to avoid life!

Another example of busy-ness is Marie, who fills every second of her time with a full-time career, graduate school classes, a husband who also takes classes, two pre-teenagers, two dogs, a bird, and several cats. She has no time to keep her house clean. This also gives her the perfect excuse not to have friends. Marie was an unhappy child of older parents and left this environment to enter an abusive first marriage. She is physically beautiful but beauty is not the feature about her that you notice first. It is immediately apparent that she does not feel beautiful. In fact you have to look twice to realize that she is. Marie has substituted busy-ness for living and uses it as a wall to hide behind so she doesn't have to deal with people who can't be trusted not to hurt her.

Busy-ness is an addiction in the same class with being "sick," which is nature's legitimate copout. I can't do whatever (this includes housework) because I am too busy/sick.

Living in a "mess" is disruptive to the inner person so escape is sought. Acquisition of things, treadmill lifestyle, and supermom syndrome, are some examples of busy-ness which may be used to avoid reality (truth), the purpose of life. I don't have to face reality when I am "working," taking the kids to ballet lessons, football practice, watching TV, reading fiction (or non-fiction). I'm too busy. More and more craziness is crammed into less and less time until life becomes caught up in an endless, mindless, whirlwind with no aim, leaving in its wake exhaustion and a "stop the world so I can get off" feeling. Are you really choosing to be "busy" or are you re-acting to past rejection?

A Soft Voice Turneth Away Wrath

The young mother of a two-year-old periodically screeched and shouted at him to come back home. Hearing her reminded me that in the body of a two-year-old resides a full sized, mature adult spirit who hasn't learned to operate, and hasn't grown into, the physical body with all its intricate mechanisms. I imagined myself in the operator's seat of a giant scoop shovel crane. At first try I knew I wouldn't be able to operate the crane up and down or back and forth nor would I be able to scoop up dirt and fill a dump truck with it. This is about as close as I could come to the helplessness of a human infant learning to operate the physical body. Lack of intelligence wouldn't be the problem, merely inability to operate the mechanics. I changed my attitude about children when I recognized their equality with me in all areas except size and ability to operate the mechanics of both mind and body.

People who frequently use screeching and shouting are out of control. Allowing that some handle life situations this way, what changes are needed so that a soft voice could be used?

In trying to identify the need and the behavior pattern used to fill the need, I concluded:

(1) The mother's goal was too high. It is unreasonable to expect an unsupervised two-year-old to remain "in his own yard." Two-year-olds have declared independence and are off to explore.

(2) The mother's method was unsuitable, thus ineffective. Screeching and shouting may be necessary at certain specific times i.e., in case of fire or to stop the child from running in front of a truck, but for a regular daily discipline it loses its effectiveness.

What steps would help to overcome this problem?

(1) Plenty of rest

A mother who has any children under the age of 5 should be aware that she needs to get enough sleep. As I recall my own experience, this was virtually impossible. If you also find this to be true, there are methods to reduce stress to enable you to function with only occasional lapses from your goal.

(a) Take a feet-up "Smiley Break" mid day.

(b) Reduce "extra curricular" activities.

(c) Get down to Rock Bottom Basics.

(1) Decide what items have top priority, i.e., meals, dishes, laundry, trash, clutter, beds. Let everything else go.

(2) Make a yearly Deep Cleaning List to relieve the burden of worry about a "clean house."

(3) K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Sweetie) the children's room and toys. No more than 6 toys out to play with. Store the rest in a plastic trash bag and put it in the garage or attic. Every month or two months, change the toys. An exception to this rule is the child's favorite toy.

Realize your career is that of motherhood, the noblest of all careers, instituted by God from the beginning. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of taking "other" jobs, i.e., baby-sitting, errand running for other people, community service, any project that is not on the Rock Bottom Basic list. Young mothers get sucked into the belief that unless they have additional tasks to that of motherhood they are shirking their duty. This is a false premise.

(2) Nutrition

Second only to proper rest is sound nutrition. From personal experience and direct observation, I find two items common to the American diet prominent in causing screeching and shouting. They are sugar and chocolate. I have observed persons who have "purified" their bodies and then taken chocolate. Their reaction, within just a few hours, is temporary insanity. They lose control, screech and shout, shake, and have described the condition as a "bad trip." Observing the behavior of a two-year-old half an hour after he has been given a sugar source is enough to demonstrate a similar reaction.

To overcome even these two causes to the screeching and shouting ("S&S") problem isn't as easy as it sounds, as both sugar and chocolate are addictive. To stop using chocolate and sugar may cause withdrawal symptoms.

(3) Creative Outlet

To have a serene personality one should have a fulfilling creative outlet. This is a personal thing. Stitchery, needlepoint, painting, knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, photography and music, are some examples of filling your artistic, creative need. The caution is to remember the reason for doing is for self fulfillment--not to bring a fundraiser to the school bazaar. Don't allow yourself to be caught by a manipulative martyr and accept a guilt trip. Your #1 responsibility is yourself and you do not need to defend or explain your reasons for not contributing items, time or extra service to the club or community no matter how worthy the goal. If you allow demands on your time, you deplete your own supply. Zealously guard against invasion by parasites who would suck out your life energy without a thought and leave you "dead." Watch carefully that you do not allow others to expect you to do things for them that they can (and should) do for themselves. Hubby says call the auto supply and see if they have a part...then go get it. Wrong! Hubby and everyone else should make their own phone calls. You shouldn't make anyone else's calls, secretaries excepted, and no one should make yours. Yes, there may be exceptions but they are rare.

Getting back to the original problem and what can be done to speak in a soft voice.

(1) Resolve to speak in a soft voice whatever the provocation...even to call the dog! Exception:
(a) in case of fire
(b) to stop a child from running out in front of a truck or any other equally harmful emergency.

(2) Recognize your own limitations and those of your two-year-old or anyone else at whom you screech and shout.

(3) Eliminate frustrations from your life by items 1-3. K.I.S.S. your life.

(4) Examine your motives. What do you hope to gain by persisting in this course of action? Submission to your will? Is this a violation of the agency of the person at whom you are screeching and shouting? By screeching and shouting, do you intend to control them? Are you expressing power (control) by screeching and shouting? Why do you need to? Are you insecure in your position? If your answer is yes, then work on becoming secure in your position by identifying:

(1) What your position is

(2) What you need to do to maintain your position

(3) What you need to do to prevent others from eroding or taking away your status (security).

A raised voice is a trap or counterfeit. Shouting is a symptom of a person not knowing who he is or isn't. A person who shouts, assumes he has a right or obligation to decide what is best for another, and doesn't allow for the other person's agency. While shouting may intimidate, it doesn't lead to serenity.

Anger and Health

Chemical changes in the body brought about by being angry have a negative influence on body functioning and also on a developing fetus. The Japanese way of keeping the pregnant female serene, calm, looking at peaceful scenery and works of art in pleasant surroundings coupled with soft-spoken talking to the developing fetus by both parents warrants serious consideration but in today's society how is that possible?

Having determined anger isn't good for my health, what can I do to overcome its effects? Let the anger go. That sounds oversimplistic but it really works! Harboring anger is a choice and you don't have to choose it. Think about it. Other steps to take to get rid of the effects of anger are the major thrust of this book:

1) K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple, sweetie--see later chapter for definition)
2) UNCLUTTER
3) DECORATE FOR SERENITY

Contention, even in the so-called cause of righteousness, is self-destructive.

"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty" Proverbs 16:32. Jesus said love every one. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love...You are part of everyone and it is important that you love yourself and show compassion for yourself and treat yourself kindly, too.

To better tolerate the setbacks of life: Don't take life so seriously. Smile more and try to restructure your life to reduce anxiety by applying the two most important rules of life to the situation:

RULE # 1--don't sweat the small stuff
RULE # 2--it's all small stuff

If you raise your voice, get red in the face, hot under the collar, in other words get angry, rebellious, or negative in spirit, those are signs that you need to take stock and re-evaluate.

Displaced Anger

At age 6 weeks Andrew fell off the changing table and fractured his skull. Vickie's husband and her mother (needing a scapegoat for their own feelings) blamed her for "negligence." Her anxiety, coupled with her non-culpability, resulted in anger which from then on she directed at her son Andrew because he was the cause of her rejection by the two who should have loved her most. Dennis, her oldest son, and her mother's favorite who could do no wrong, got her love and acceptance. When Vickie was directed to realize why she was angry at Andrew, she was able to let the anger go and replace it with compassion and her relationship to Andrew improved.

I remember, as a teenager, being allowed to hold a newborn while the young parents ate their dinner. Every night they would have the same argument over which way to cut the butter--off the end or off the top, creating a dip in the middle. The argument seldom varied, was usually heated, and at the time I thought it was ridiculous. Who cared where the butter was cut? Now, looking back I realize the young parents needed to vent their frustrations with life and each other and the butter was a safe battleground.

Sometimes people use war to relieve physical distress caused by their anger, hostility, or guilt so they pick a fight with the ones they are safest with. Understanding the pattern can help break the cycle. Try for a state of non-war (What if they gave a WAR and nobody came?) by recognizing and internalizing that it's okay to accept yourself just as you are with all your good points and your weaknesses. You can accept others, also, just as they are with all their good points and all their weaknesses. That doesn't mean you can't disagree with others and you don't have to try to change their opinions but you do need to convey the message "I do hear you (and your point of view)." I concede that you have the right to say what you feel. I don't have to defend against what you say, or feel, because if I do I'm accepting responsibility for your feelings and I'm not responsible for your feelings, you are. If I defend, I'm admitting you've made me feel guilty and I'm out of control so I try to put you out of commission by counterattacking and we are at war.

Implied inadequacy is a major attack and a useful manipulating tool almost guaranteeing a desire to please or measure up. Other types of attacks are shown in the following pattern:

ATTACK: Why did you break my bowl?
DEFEND: I didn't mean to, I was in a hurry and I...
COUNTERATTACK: You shouldn't have put it there. It was just a piece of junk anyway!
ACKNOWLEDGE: (Does not ignore, which is a form of attack) I can understand how you feel, I'm sorry I broke your bowl.
MARTYR: (Puts guilt on others) It was my favorite bowl, Aunt Gertrude gave it to me...
GUILT: (Inspires anger, hostility and counterattack) I can't help it if I broke your bowl. Gee, what am I supposed to do? Glue it back together?

The situations change but the patterns fit everywhere. Try to spot the patterns first with others outside your personal situation. I did. Gradually I'm becoming an expert at recognizing patterns whenever I deal with people and it helps me to be at peace with myself.

Can I bring about a desired result, even a seemingly good desire, using manipulative techniques and justify the means? No, because choice is removed. I need to remember to properly govern myself even when I can't change the conduct of others. I choose my behavior. I can maintain proper relationships and avoid the frustrations of strife if I wisely apply my time and energy.

Some people may want to be angry because they think it gives them power, they use that power to intimidate and they don't want to be fixed because they're afraid it might take away that power.

Some people may remain angry all their lives, never figuring out that while most of us have cause for anger, whether we harbor it or not is a choice we make for ourselves. Maybe those same people believe blame for all their ills can be directed to or at another. While it's true that anger is a reactive emotion, I don't have to choose to give it a home. When I harbor "unfriendly regard" for another or for myself, unhealth results. When I'm angry, I don't want to admit I'm at fault, meriting condemnation, so I begin to pass the buck: I'm angry because my spouse is such a jerk; If they weren't so mean I...; If only...; "The debbil made me do it" these are all excuses. The truth is, I choose to believe or do whatever I choose to believe or do (so do you!)

Some use rage turned inward as a self-punishment and this is manifested in denying themselves the things they like, in their "messy" house, and in their low self-esteem. The sequence pattern goes something like this: feelings of rejection  guilt  anger  blame  condemnation  frustration  dump responsibility. Imagined culpability makes me feel guilty. To resolve this feeling of guilt I can give myself compassion, sometimes called charity. If I give compassion to myself and to those who have made me feel rejected, my anger will dissipate. Forbearance is the opposite of anger.

Anger

A messy house is a symptom of anger. Anger is a strong feeling of disfavor and is a reaction to the pre-emption of agency. It's often displaced and usually follows rejection, which is implied denial of existence. Its physical effects on the body can last two hours or more and doubles the risk of heart attack. Out-of-control anger can damage not only the physical situation, but can also damage emotional and spiritual health. People tend to excuse their lack of self control by blaming others. "I'm from a bad-tempered family." If my husband weren't so inconsiderate, I wouldn't get angry." The fact is I, alone, am responsible for what I do, say or think (and so are you!) I may not control circumstances or determine what other people do, but I can control how I react to people and events (and so can you!). Instead of blaming events or people for my anger, I need to recognize I make myself angry (and so do you!).

Are You a Controlling Person?

Do you help your children do their homework? Do you wake your spouse up in the morning? Hurry your family so they won't be late? Do you check to see if they have brushed their teeth, etc.?

In the old days I always wanted to drive. I didn't like being a passenger. I took care of the finances and paid the bills. I selected Darling's and the family's clothing. I told everybody what to do and how to run things. I was the boss and I wanted everything my way. I didn't know that people rebel against any form of control. Sometimes so-called weak personalities respond in passive rebellion, which causes even greater frustration for the controlling personality.

Passive means acted upon by an external agency. Anarchy is a state of lawlessness; absence of order. The term passive anarchy as I use it, relates to someone, other than yourself, who refuses to abide by the laws (rules) set up to govern (run) society (the family). Not in frontal defiance or open rebellion but passively--coming home at 12:05 for a midnight curfew, never enough to bring down a cataclysmic eruption but enough to maintain independence.

Darling left a bag of tools two feet from the inside garage door. He had to go in the front door, across the entry hall, through a second door, across the garage/family room where there were 3 patio chair pads, on which reclined a sleeping bag, a red, white and blue striped sheet, 2 king-size foam bed pillows, a set of drums--dismantled, an antique radio on which I listened to Gang Busters as a child, an antique school desk, an antique overstuffed wing back chair with the stuffing coming out, a rake, and a patio broom relocated from the tool room to sweep the rocks from the roof prior to re-roofing but left in the pathway for the same reason. Why, after successfully overcoming this obstacle course, did the culprit leave the bag of tools two feet from its place? Was it the same reason he drops his socks outside instead of inside the laundry basket?

Darling is a basketball legend. He played basketball longer than anyone else in the world but he can't hit the hoop on a drop shot from directly over the basket. Is it the same reason that for years he had a pair of his shoes carefully lined up, neatly side by side, under the sofa, the velvet chair, organ bench, table, desk, bed? Is it the same reason that keeps Darling from closing the drawers, the cupboard doors, the cereal box? Is it the same reason why the hammer can be found on the toilet tank (he made a side trip while he was using it and set it down while he zipped up--or was it down?). Is it the same reason why the ladder is still propped up to the roof two months after he went up to check the cooler? Is it the same reason why the tennis racket is left on the velvet chair in the living room which he passes on the way to the bedroom to turn on the TV to watch basketball? Is it a behavior pattern now become a habit begun as passive anarchy or passive rebellion? Is it his reaction to me trying to clone my world by trying to make his world fit into mine?

I certainly didn't desire power, nor did I have a need to feel like the boss, but I did fear that others couldn't make it on their own without my help. I guess I never really stopped to think about the implications. I hadn't realized I was as good as calling my teenagers stupid every time I reminded them to wash their hands when they came into the house or to shut the door or to go to bed.

I didn't know the takeover of another's consequences is the theft of his freedom of choice or agency because we learn from suffering the consequences of our actions. I didn't know doing a child's homework, even if he cries or fails, is an example of this theft because we also learn from our failures. I didn't know that low self esteem is a direct result of being robbed of our right to choose for ourselves, even in matters as seemingly unimportant as selecting what one should wear. When I did find out, I tried a one-week experiment with my first class to help overcome being a controlling person.

1) We didn't drive the car anywhere for any reason (except a bleeding emergency). We could be a passenger.

2) We didn't spend any money. We didn't carry it on our person, no credit cards, charge accounts, check writing. No money at all. We weren't the one who paid bills, paid for groceries, gas, allowances, nothing! We could shop, but couldn't physically be the one who paid.

3) We didn't become involved with our children's homework in any way.

4) Under no circumstances were we to tell another what to wear.

If you try this experiment for a week you may be surprised at how much controlling you have taken for granted. Being a controlling person infringes on the agency of others, which is against a basic law of the universe and therefore can't lead to happiness.

"When you talk about not waking up anyone in my family, that I'm taking responsibility that doesn't belong to me, you don't understand. My son Joe would be late everywhere he went. He could sleep through a fire alarm."

Joe may be able to sleep through a fire alarm (one of mine did), but I found from personal experience that after having been given their own personal alarm clock to be shared with no one, and informed that they were on their own, people like Joe would, in fact, arise in time to be on time. Of course, proper caring guidance should be used for younger children while they learn how to operate their clocks. If children are too young to set or operate a clock, find one they can at least shut off when they are awakened.

Billie, acting on this principle, announced to her husband and three children that they were "on their own." The children all arose on time. Not so the husband, who shut off the alarm and went back to sleep because Billie hadn't nagged him for the usual fifteen minutes about getting up. He was late for work and they almost came to blows. He later apologized and said, "I didn't think you would let me be late for work...I might've lost my job."

In interpersonal relationships people sometimes resort to "strategic helplessness" as a tool to help them get what they want instead of operating up to full competence level. They find it useful to fall back on, or depend on, someone else's resources. Strategically helpless people know exactly what they are doing and actually have other goals than those which are apparent. He is the Boss at the office, so at home he becomes a little boy whose mother takes care of him. He may not be aware of his own motivation.

A serious side effect of strategic helplessness could be loss of the ability to function in those areas given up. One who has lost in these areas may become depressed and fearful at having to cope. Sometimes we use strategic helplessness when we want nurturing. If this is the case, recognize that it is okay to ask for nurturing. "Give me a hug" is a whole lot easier to say than the complex game of strategic helplessness is to master.

Sometimes, I wonder if males and teenagers "mark their territory" by leaving parts of themselves around i.e. a tie on the chair, because they feel someone is trying to clear (clean) them out of their own home (space).

I was livid when I found the tool bag outside the door. My anger was totally out of proportion to the event (picking up the bag of tools and putting them in the tool cabinet). The friend with me reminded me I should do whatever I do because I want to, out of love. Love? Bah humbug! I have no love left! After venting and being reminded the problem was mine to solve, the answer came. I needed to take control of my own life to the extent that I only did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.

"But mom, that's selfish." No. First I must understand who I am and that I am important.

"I hate housework! If I only did what I want to do I'd never do housework." Maybe. But...why do you hate housework? Is it because housework forces you into the role of second class citizen? Faceless? Taken for granted? Servile? Do you hate it because it is "expected" that you do it? Of course! A woman's role has always been "to do the housework" even if she has a full-time job or career outside the home (or a "passel" of kids!)

A Map to a Clean House?

Vicki told me, "I loved my third grade teacher. She made school such fun. That was the year my father had a heart attack, my mother had to go to work full time and then my third grade teacher died. I couldn't handle all that stress. I escaped into a fantasy world of being in love with Elvis Presley. He was just becoming popular and playing his records and seeing his movies allowed me to escape. Later, whenever life got too tough, I went back into that comfort zone of escape (childhood). Now, I recognize that to come out of escape equals progress. I had lots of cans of worms to get through. Sometimes things that happen are out of your control. The unknown is bad enough and just getting out of your comfort zone is hard, then you find a can of worms but you can't go on until you eat them.

"Everybody is telling you you're a pig and maybe sometimes you feel like one, but down deep you know you're not, so how do you deal with it? One day you find somebody who says, `You are not a pig!' and gives you ways how to deal. You've always been in pig mode so you have to learn how to climb out of your comfort zone to deal with the mess. How big are your worms? There's a whole lot more to it than, `Here's what to do.' You have to find the underlying reason because where the cans of worms come from is the underlying reason why you're rebelling.

"Sometimes you want to rebel and need to go through the climbing out process again. Each time you climb out things get better and better. It's fighting back for control of your life. In other words, validation of your own person. A messy house proves I am in control of something, even if someone else controls everything else.

"Finally, I was able to trust and got connected as one person but I got threatened by the happiness--I don't deserve it--I don't know HOW to be happy because I've been miserable all my life. It's like going someplace you've never been before. I get in control, get self-esteem, then I smash it and go back into my comfort zone. It's like having a learning disability. There is a wonderful person in there under the slimy, mucky, mire of the pit. The question is, how do you keep the slime, muck, and mire off? It's a never-ending story, a refiner's fire on a higher level, like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Do you know you can be happy? Do you know HOW to be happy? I wondered if part of the map was missing--you can't get from here to there without a map. You have to have it in black and white and green before you know where to go and what to do.

"It's like planning a vacation. The simplest way to Memphis is the way you want to go but you can't get from here to there without a map. So draw a map (make a list) then follow the map. Start where you are. Set a realistic goal. Then put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time the same way the little dog got to Dover. Remember, you don't get to Memphis by hiring someone to go for you. You have to do it yourself."

I Only WANT To Want To

When I was a teenager, all the famous movie stars wore full-length mink coats. Some young starlets had a reputation of being willing to do anything to obtain one, and others bought theirs on the installment plan.

In those days before animal rights, having a mink coat represented having "arrived." I envisioned myself decked out in my mink and diamonds going to a fancy party at Hollywood and Vine. One day I took a city bus to Hollywood and Vine. I was crushed! It was virtually a slum--hardly the fantasy place of my diamonds and mink.

Years later, a relative died and left me her full-length fur coat (still before animal rights). Okay, so it wasn't mink. It was a nice coat and very warm. The problem? I lived in the middle of the Mojave Desert and had no use for a full-length fur coat, mink or not. I still had a dream or two about dripping diamonds in my mink at that party at Hollywood and Vine which I KNEW was a fantasy, but that didn't stop me from wanting it to be real. It finally hit me--I didn't want a mink coat (I'd melt in it). I only wanted to want the idea or fantasy of a mink coat and what I imagined it represented.

Darling used to say, "One day I'd like to build a cabin in the woods with my brother (a little more practical than a mink coat on the Mojave Desert, but not much--there are no woods nearby)." For years I listened to him, "When I get rich, when the kids are grown, when I retire..." All those things came to pass and he finally got to build his cabin in the woods with his brother. He complains bitterly about the work..."I'm too old to climb a ladder up to the roof..." In reality, though he does enjoy the fruits of his labor, what he really wanted was the idea or fantasy of building a cabin in the woods with his brother. No aches and pains from having to haul in sheetrock and raise it up to nail on the ceilings and walls--just imagining the fun. No labor, no sweat--just laughs and a magical cabin in the woods. The well wouldn't run dry in a drought year, the plumbing wouldn't back up--not in that fantasy cabin he'd build "someday." The reality is something else.

While dreams and fantasies are nice, sometimes we use them as a substitute for life. I wasted a lot of time wanting that mink coat. I let myself believe I wasn't a success because I didn't have one. The reality was I didn't really want it and I was already successful. If only I had stopped to realize the absurdity in the ridiculous mindset that a mink coat represented success, I wouldn't have spent so much of my life believing I was a failure.

Do you only want to want to? Is that keeping you from thinking of yourself as a successful person?

Attention Deficit Disorder

Brain damage, whether due to injury, illness, or oxygen deprivation may result in ADD. Symptoms can include rage, destructive behavior, or even violence. The cause has been linked to over-stimulation of the brain. For an ADD four-year-old to go to the grocery store can be a nightmare. There are too many colors, people, things and noise all pounding on his overloaded brain. Is it any wonder he can't stand it and throws a tantrum? Crowds, TV, traffic, grocery shopping, all can be stressor triggers. Our four year old's treatment should include keeping things simple to reduce stimulation to his already overloaded neurons which cry out for relief. One mother has her four-year-old spend time alone, on the bed, in her room with one book or one toy to relieve his ADD overload (temper tantrum). If ADD is a problem and you're seeking solutions, try eliminating as many stimulators as you can. Clear away all of the child's toys and store them out of sight. Allow only one toy to be in use at a time. Clear dressers and table-tops (bare). Use only one item as a focal point. Taking away clutter removes the over-stimulation/stressors and allows the overtaxed brain to process information easier and less painfully. Actually, this "cure" is a fix for other kinds of problems as well. It helps relieve stress and allows peace and serenity to be a part of the regular home atmosphere.

Hank grew up before ADD was recognized. In those days children with this problem were called hyperactive and drugged to make them calm. After he and his family moved to the country, Hank seemed to do much better. He would sit on the bank of the creek and fish alone for hours. He found a natural control for his problem and no longer needed drugs.

Stress

On the other hand, flight or fight, the stress reaction, causes tremendous body chemistry changes. When used as nature intended, to save us from disaster, however, it can be good, to live under the constant influence of that body chemistry isn't healthy. Stress, fear, anger, fight or flight, tension, frustration all boost metabolism and dump extra sugar, fat, and cholesterol into the bloodstream causing blood pressure to go up to propel nutrients faster and cause the kidneys to clear the blood of wastes (decks cleared for action). If not used as energy for physical action extra sugar has to be taken out of the bloodstream. Overreaction may occur (too much taken out) and a new stimulant is needed in the form of more coffee, cola, etc; cholesterol has no mechanism to remove it from the blood so it causes a traffic jam and may clog the arteries.

We've learned that emotions affect brain chemistry, and thoughts can change brain chemistry and cause illness or promote healing. I saw on a feature spot on TV about rabbits that were fed a toxic diet to close off their arteries so the effects of various countermeasures could be studied. Although all of the rabbits were fed the same diet, one group didn't develop the problems. Checking the cause of this, it was discovered that the person in charge of that group petted them and talked to them!

It helps sometimes to know you aren't alone. Isolation or feeling like you are alone can cause illness. Depression, because you feel alone, can lead to disease and because of this we need to interact with people who care--not necessarily family but with others who understand and empathize. Sharing your feelings with others who understand, as within a support system, has also proven to be effective.

Smile

Did you know that smiling exercises muscles and raises the temperature of the brain just enough to allow release of positive chemicals into the bloodstream? These positive chemicals make us feel good and produce energy (strength) for us to function more efficiently. Did you also know that humor is effective in healing? Health care professionals are making it a regular part of their therapy strategy these days. Did you know that humor alleviates stress? Or that laughter breaks have been successful in lowering blood pressure in patients with moderate hypertension where drugs alone were unsuccessful? Robust laughter is followed by relaxation so there are some physiological benefits such as the easing of muscular tension and increased oxygen in the blood because of deep breathing. Laughter and humor cultivate the will to live and help mobilize the body's defenses. So you see? Smiling makes us feel good and laughter helps us get well and stay well!

More Slum Clearance

With all the slum clearance and urban renewal around here it was bound to hit the garage sooner or later.

"Darling, it's up to you to run the bulldozer, it's all your treasure."

"Yeah, well I CAN'T now. I've gotta go play tennis."

I admitted to myself it was an ideal day for tennis, so I climbed up on a chair and tackled the top kitchen shelves.

Darling and Baby Daughter came home before I'd had a chance to miss them.

"Here's the key to the bulldozer. Start on the left cupboard of your work bench."

"Can't. I'm watching a basketball game."

Number 2 Son came in and asked, "Mom, can you put a new patch on an old hole?"

"Huh?"

"Will you stitch up the seam in my jeans?"

"Oh. Yeah, but they gotta be clean and you gotta hold my hand."

"Hold her hand?"

"Yeah. She always breaks a needle sewing on my jeans and she needs somebody there to cuss at."

Number 2 Son stood hunched over my shoulder watching the blue thread dancing back and forth as it pulled together the frayed seam. His non-stop flow of humor was par for the course.

"*%$*!"

"Wow! That sure got bent in a hurry. Want me to straighten it?"

"Nope. Just get me a new needle."

We started the same scene, take 2.

"*%$*!"

"Again?"


"I don't suppose I could get you to stitch my other pair...ah, I guess just forget it..."

Darling returned and said, "The game is over. Now what was I supposed to do?"
"Clear your slum!"

"Huh?"

"Sort through the treasures in your work bench and see if you can bear to part with any of them. I'll come out and hold your hand."

"Hi, Grampa! Whatchadoing?"

"Sorting through this stuff to see what I can throw away and what I'm going to keep."

Number 1 Granddaughter, then age 6, with her brilliant powers of observation, watched quietly for several minutes and, with the same humor that runs in the family, casually remarked "The keepers are winning." After her brilliant observation I realized all we'd really done was move stuff from one place to another. We didn't need to get better organized we needed to actually get rid of time robbers. I asked myself, "Is this item indispensable to my welfare and happiness?" I tried to separate need from greed and my decisions had nothing to do with staying in the fast lane. I was really surprised at how much I could let go and I don't remember what most of it was, but I do know I haven't missed anything I let go.

Slum Clearance

With pinch-pleated curtains ceiling to floor, wall to wall at the front window instead of a bed sheet, all kinds of things might happen. They look so spiffy I brought in a bulldozer and did a slum clearance on the living room. I was so pleased with THAT project, I started on urban renewal.

"Wow! You framed your painting."

"Yup, and hung it on the focal wall."

"I like it. The family seen it yet?"

"Nope."

Darling came home and for once he didn't say "Ooooops! Wrong house" and walk out again. He did notice the changes.

"Hmmmmmmmmm. Looks nice."

One change led to another. #2 Son was visiting #3 brother and sister for a few days so the places cleaned stayed that way. When he got home he also noted the changes.

"You get religion or sumpthin'?"

"Yeah, well guess what? You're about to get converted!"

"Nah! You back on that kick again?"

"Yes! You can't breathe in the living room anymore. I want it to stay clean."

A few days later the mail was brought in and left on the couch which attracted the newspaper to the floor which brought the cans of tennis balls to be placed on the bench which caused jackets to be thrown over the chairs which allowed two pairs of tennis shoes neatly placed side by side under the chairs which insisted that eight socks be scattered abroad and one lonely towel tossed in a heap. The water thermos did make it to the kitchen.

I approached the podium, mounted the soap box and began to preach my new religion.

"Get that mess out of here!"

"What mess?"

Darling and #2 Son looked around innocently, eyes never once seeing their leavings.

"What clutter? Two tennis rackets, Two jackets, Two pairs of shoes, Four pairs of socks...four pairs of socks?

"They cushion the feet better."

"Four pairs of socks, one towel...one towel?"

"We share."

"Yeah? Well share the pickup and get this stuff outta here!"

"We won. Don'tcha even care?"

"Oh, no! You mean we have to go through all this again this afternoon? Uh...I mean...congratulations."

Right Brain/Left Brain

I remember the neighborhood going into traumatic culture shock when after three years, two months and four days, in the darkest part of the night, Darling and I took down the bed sheet from the front window of the Retirement Cottage and replaced it with semi-sheer pinch-pleated curtains.

"There's nothing to it, Darling. Measure out three inches from the window wall on the ceiling and hang the rod."

"Hang the rod? On the ceiling?"

"Yes, dear."

"I thought you said you wanted the curtains to go from the ceiling to the floor."

"That's right. Ceiling to the floor, wall to wall."

"If you hang the brackets on the ceiling the curtains will hang down below the rod. You have to mount the brackets on the wall near the ceiling."

"We don't use brackets."

"Don't be ridiculous! The rods won't stay up without brackets--that's what you fasten them to the wall with."

"Yeah, I know. But we're not fastening them to the wall, we're hanging them on the ceiling."

"Look! See this bracket? It attaches to the wall. The drapery hooks fasten to these little sliding things with holes in them. The curtain rod goes behind here and hooks on here and there."

"Yes. I know. But we don't have rod curtains. We have pinch-pleated semi-sheer curtains."

"What does that have to do with the fact that you can't hang this rod from the ceiling? It would look dumb hanging down..."

"Trust me. Do it my way."

"You don't know what you're talking about! What you say doesn't make sense. It just isn't logical."

Knowing full well Darling is logical and left-brain oriented, I prepared for the ensuing battle by beating a hasty retreat for three hours.

When I came back, the curtains were still in the box and the rods were still on the floor. Darling's games were over and he was slightly more receptive.

"See this little dumaflotchie here? It screws into the ceiling and clips around the rod, holding it in place."

"That little thing? It'll never hold all that weight."

The next day Darling observed that the curtains really looked nice.

"Yes. It's all thanks to my dentist."

"Dentist! What's HE got to do with our curtains?"

"He is the one who explained he didn't want to be surrounded by left-brain-oriented types who were logical. He wanted dominantly RIGHT-brain-oriented females on his staff because they are creative, compassionate and haven't a logical thought in their heads."

"So? What's that got to do with our curtains?"

"Nothing. But now I know why we've stayed married for so long."

"Married! Now I really am lost. How did you get from our curtains to ..."

"Simple. I'm right-brain oriented."

Female/Male Brain

Now that we've collected a few pieces of information about the brain, you really should understand that you're never going to be able to communicate easily with your spouse because the female/male brains are so different. Solving the same problems, males and females use different parts of their brains. Women use more energy using their brain than men. We seldom take into consideration that women use more energy doing most things, not just talking, but in any way they solve a problem.

Emotions

What Do They Have To Do with a Clean House?

Emotions such as anger, love, joy and sadness change the biochemistry of the brain. Busy-ness brings an adrenaline high. Maybe that's why those who get too busy keep it up. They need higher and higher doses to get the rush. Brain chemicals like serotonin, a feel-good chemical, are thought-generated. Serotonin is one of the chemicals released into the body when the body gears up to take command. Capacity to elevate serotonin level quickly seems to bring dominance. This is probably why people who want power seek it. It feels much better for them to be in charge than for them to be passive or subordinate. A male monkey leader has twice the blood level of serotonin as the other males in the community. If that leader is taken away from the community, for whatever reason, his serotonin level reverts back to the level of the other males in the group. However, females respond to elevated serotonin level in the male and this causes a mellowing out in the dominant male, keeping the other males away and allowing the dominance. On the other hand some people like the subordinate feeling because it requires less action and has relatively little "high."

Here's an interesting piece of information: Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in women suffering PMS. Add another piece: Tryptophane breaks down into serotonin. Add yet another piece to those: Bananas are high in tryptophane. I'll let you come to your own conclusion.

How I Got Started

It was after the fourth move that I heard a woman lecture on getting organized. I laughed. She had no conception of what it was like around our house! After the end of her lecture she agreed to take me on as a student. She came to my house, looked in all the rooms, closets, drawers, cupboards, said "Hmmmmm," asked me a few questions beginning with "why?" Then she was ready...

She gazed at me like an oracle, and with profound wisdom stated: "You are a person who sees life far down the trail and in great detail. Because of this you are overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task that needs to be done."

"You mean I'm NOT lazy?" What a novel idea!

"The solution to your problem is to break down the task at hand into do able pieces, like eating an elephant--one bite at a time!"

After determining the greatest thorn in my side was my desk, she gave me my first weekly assignment.

"Clear the desk."

My week passed quickly--don't they always? Mary Alice came back for my next "lesson."

"You said you did your assignment."

"I did." I was devastated. I thought I had done so well...

"But the desk looks just the same."

"No it doesn't. I removed everything I could do without. Two rubber bands and a paper clip."

Barely hiding her exasperation, she began coldly clearing the desktop. All my important papers were on that desk. How could I ever find anything if she cleared it into a box?

She told me not to worry about it, and that we'd take care of it next week. She didn't even bother to give me another assignment. Realizing by this time I would need a kick start, Mary Alice asked the next week, "Where can we put things out of the family traffic pattern? I didn't even know the family had a traffic pattern!

"The solarium, I guess. Why are you taking the books off the shelf?"

"We are starting to clear. We can't organize anything unless we begin clear." Her idea of clear (bare to the bone) was not my idea of clear (two rubber bands and a paper clip). An hour later she announced, "See you next week."

I wailed, "What am I gonna to do with this pile?" It was literally a pile five feet high and six feet wide.

"Do you have a piece of typing paper and a black felt pen?"

I found both in the pile. She took the pen and marked the paper, "TO BE FILED" and propped it in plain sight on the pile.

My husband hit the ceiling when he saw the mess. I tried to reassure him...

"I'm taking lessons."

"Yeah, sure. But get this mess outta here!"

The kids finked. "Dad, this old bat came and looked in all our drawers and cupboards. Can you believe anyone could be so snoopy?"

I said quietly, "She's not old."

I worked several years learning tricks of the trade. I gradually turned my library into a showplace. I changed my filing system to one that worked, and I learned how to calendar my time.

I began to see that I could be an organized person and my home could live up to its potential. It could become a beautiful showplace, one where I could be proud to invite my friends, even my mother-in-law.

Our house became known as the happenin' place. The local crowd hung out with us. We had dances and parties. There was usually a group of teenagers surrounding my chair gossiping, laughing, crying or whatever they needed to do at the time. A good part of the time mine weren't among them. In later years I was told how much those sessions meant to the various teenagers. "I felt I could come visit you anytime and I would be welcome. You made me feel I was important and what I had to say was of worth to you, even when I was just being a typical teenager."

People were coming to me now and saying, "I wish my house looked like yours." Then they would explain and excuse, saying, "I'm not really lazy, I just can't get organized." My daughter said, "Your house makes my heart sing!" I went from a mountain of laundry on the sofa to "I wish my house looked like yours." How did that happen? The day came when I was asked to give a lecture on how to get organized. I couldn't believe it!

During the intermission of my first lecture, I was surrounded by people who wanted to have more help, which led to the formation of a group we later called Packrats "Anony-mouse".

Working with this group, I discovered that being a packrat is neither good nor bad. Look at the animal kingdom. The ant spends its entire life in the quest for something to "pack" back home. We even say we "squirrel away" things for later. So why should we care if we save things because they "can be used later?"

I can't remember when I didn't save "things" having special meaning to me but not to anyone else. A major trauma of my life came when a well-meaning relative "cleaned out" my treasure drawer and "got rid of all that junk." I was eleven and didn't think life would be worth living without my treasures. Thirty-five years later I had gathered more mountains of personal "memoirs," souvenirs--you name it, I kept it. Fibber McGee's closet couldn't hold a candle to mine. I used to tell the kids, "Here, take this and put it away" until #1 son, then age 6, said, "Sorry. We've run out of away."

Once, when I had more time than money, I took down the apple box marked "DIAPERS." I figured, as the youngest child was now in college, maybe that was one item I could part with. Imagine my surprise when I lifted the cover to discover bundle after bundle of letters tied with blue satin ribbon.

I looked at the dates on the envelopes...1947, 1950, 1953...G'wan! Who are you tryin' to kid? Nobody keeps letters thirty-five years. I wonder where I got them? Who could they possibly belong to? I sat down, put up my feet and began to untie the ribbon.

"My dearest one..."

My WHO?

I sat up and began to read more rapidly, then more slowly. At first I laughed, then I cried...By late afternoon I had a mountain of pages of old letters surrounding me. One of the kids came in, saw my tears and said,

"What's up, Ma?" and picked up a recently discarded page covered with splotches and scrawling.

"And so my dearest one I'm asking you to marry me..."

"What IS this garbage Mom? You writing a Soap Opera? This stuff is so dorky the Soaps wouldn't have it."

"Put that down! That's proof that once I was young and somebody loved me."

"No kiddin'. Who?"

Just before Darling, my beloved husband, arrived I stuffed the mountain into a 30-gallon trash bag, filled it to the brim, and set it outside.

So much for nostalgia.

Darling isn't much of a writer. A post card every other decade or so is about his limit.

At the next meeting the group helped me part with more "nostalgia" by repeating the club creed..."Have you used it in the last two months? Will you use it in the next two months? If in doubt throw it out."

One of my support team picked up an old plastic gallon milk container half full of sand and asked, "What is this?"

"Oh. That's my sand..."

"Sand?"

"Yes. I use it for the weight to keep my table dolls from falling over..."

"Dolls? Shall we throw it out?"

"NO! We really had a hard time finding that sand..."

She looked out the window into the horizon where as far as the eye could see was acres and acres of the Mojave Desert.

"But, you don't understand...we did have a hard time finding that sand..."

Two of my support team held my hand as a third poured out the sand.

"I AM A PACKRAT. I TAKE LIFE ONE STEP AT A TIME. WITH THE HELP OF PACKRATS ANONYMOUS AND MY GOOD FRIENDS I AM ON THE SLOW ROAD TO RECOVERY."

Couldn't I just keep one letter proposing marriage and one container of sand? (You don't cure a packrat, you just retrain them.)

Have you noticed packrats often marry "tossers?" This would probably be a good thing except tossers are not historians and they usually throw out the good stuff and keep the garbage. People who have a difficult time parting with things but an easy time acquiring them just may be historians who haven't learned to discern what makes history, so they keep everything.

I was at the National Archives listening to the archivist lecture. I was in shock! She was one of us! The United States Government paid her to keep things. All kinds of things. At the end of her lecture she said, "If you'd be interested in becoming an archivist..." She went on to list the schooling required. It was a job for the "intelligent." She ended with an emphatic statement of what was NOT wanted. "We DO NOT want you if you have LIBRARY skills! Librarians and archivists are on the opposite ends of the spectrum." She went on to tell about a legal battle once waged over a pocket on jeans. She had gathered a complete display on the history of pockets. It was stored as just that, "A History of Pockets"--and not under the Dewey decimal system, either!"

On visits to museums I've seen artifacts displayed from the everyday lives of generations of people. So my personal museum contains items from several generations of my own family. I have old newspapers of historical interest but leave the everyday collection of same to the library. I threw out all the log cabin syrup cans but kept my wooden spool thread carriers.

Visitors to "nostalgia" shops often comment, "We had one of those when we were kids" and then notice the selling price and wished they had kept one or two.

A PACKRAT MAY BE AN HISTORIAN who hasn't discovered his/her mission and isn't necessarily non-operational.

During one of my first Packrats Anonymous classes, I decided to give assignments every week. I decided to do the assignments along with them. When the lesson on timing chores came up, I did it too. I timed making my bed. I was shocked as I looked at the timer...fifteen seconds to make my bed? I had a hard time believing my eyes! Since that assignment was completed, my bed hasn't remained unmade. I could never again justify not making my bed because I didn't have "time." When I get up for the day, I take the covers in one hand, slide out of bed, turn around and pull the covers up, straighten them out, and there you are! The bed is nearly made for the day. Some straightening of the spread and pillows completes the job, and each time I re-enter the room I breathe a happy sigh. I am in charge of my life. My bed is made!